


barely ashore, drifting at sea

by r4m3nlvr



Series: the jokenverse [2]
Category: SB19 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Romance, Slight Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:28:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 34,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24717562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/r4m3nlvr/pseuds/r4m3nlvr
Summary: (picks up where scars and the sea left off) Ken is finally in a relationship with Josh, while balancing a career as a part-time model and dancer. But love and life make for a messy combination. How exactly does surfer boy keep up with his beautiful writer in a world where he is small and barely significant?Rating has been changed to E.
Relationships: Joken, Josh Cullen Santos/Ken Suson, Slight Sejun Nase/Stell Ajero, Slight StellJun
Series: the jokenverse [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1794040
Comments: 63
Kudos: 110





	1. prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> basically takes place the day after they met again. might help if you read ‘scars and the sea’ and ‘surfer boy’s story unabridged’ to gain more understanding

**prologue**

Josh could barely feel his legs as he ran past the hospital security and the nurse’s station.

_Room 838, Room 838_ , he kept saying in his head, zooming past each peach-colored door of the hospital. When he finally found the room he was looking for, he slammed the door open.

“ _Ken_!” he yelled.

Justin was there in his casual clothes, but with his hair and makeup still on. His eyes widened when he saw Josh enter the room.

“Josh—!”

“Get out of the way, Justin!” Josh shoved Justin aside to go straight to the hospital bed. Ken sat there. His hand strapped to an IV drip and there was a large bandage on his forehead.

“Josh?! What are you doing here—?”

But Ken couldn’t finish what he was saying when Josh sucker-punched him on the jaw. Ken was blown back a little by the force, but if Josh were to be honest it hurt his hand more.

“ _What the heck_?!”

Josh then yanked Ken hard and pulled him into a tight embrace. The door closed with a soft click, telling Josh that Justin had left them alone for the time being.

“Shut up. I’m _allowed_ to get mad at you,” Josh said tightening the embrace but cradling the back of Ken’s head gently with one hand. “And I _am_ very mad at you right now.”

Ken eventually returned the hug and rested his head on Josh’s shoulder.

“You heard?” Josh nodded. “How much… have you heard?”

“Enough,” Josh said. He put Ken at an arm’s length away then looked him in the eyes. “But before I fabulously dispute your logic, I’ll listen to what you have to say.”

Ken looked down at his hands.

“Ken, look at me.” Ken lifted his eyes to meet Josh’s. “We said we’d talk about things, didn’t we? So don’t keep secrets, _please_?”

“You won’t think I’m stupid or childish, right?”

“Oh, I already think you’re stupid and childish.” Ken pouted, making Josh smile. Then Josh kissed him on the forehead. “But I don’t think of you any less.”

Ken gave Josh an apologetic grin. “ _Now_ I feel really bad.”

Josh went around the bed and sat on Ken’s left. Then, he took one of Ken’s hands in his. “Alright, tell me everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> starts off with josh’s pov but this will be ken-centric


	2. the writer's third

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> takes place the day after the events on the last chapter of ‘scars and the sea’.
> 
> chapter contains: domestic fluff, tiny bit of angst

**chapter one: the writer’s third**

Ken woke up on his side facing a flesh-colored wall. His phone had been buzzing underneath his pillow, stirring him awake from his sleep.

“Ugh… _hello_?” he croaked sleepily as he answered his phone.

“Ken, where have you been all night?” It was Justin. “I was worried sick! You didn’t tell me where you went after C. Santos’ book signing.”

_C. Santos_?

Ken blinked, fully awake, and realized that he wasn’t sleeping on Justin’s couch. He tried to remember what had happened the day before. The library, Josh’s house, dinner with Jun and Stell. Ken turned around to the other side of the bed he was lying on.

There, he found a man sleeping soundly beside him, mouth slightly agape.

_Well, good morning to me_ , he said to himself. Ken never thought waking up next to Josh would make him that happy… but it did. He ghosted a finger over Josh’s cheek just to check if he was real, only to touch the warmth of his skin.

So yesterday’s events _did_ happen. Ken _had_ met Josh again. They _did_ have dinner with Jun and Stell. And they _did_ go back to Josh’s together, talking until they both fell asleep. Even if Ken were to die tomorrow, he would die an incredibly happy man.

“ _Helloooo_? Anybody home?”

“Y-Yeah. Sorry,” Ken said, lowering his voice when Josh stirred a little. “Yeah, I… slept over at his place.”

“You could have texted me, _sheesh_. Anyway, you remember that we have training at eleven, right?” Justin reminded him. “Do you want me to bring your stuff for you?”

“That’d be great. Thanks, Jah. Sorry if I forgot to text you. I was… we had a lot to catch up on,” said Ken, smiling fondly as he brushed his finger against Josh’s hair.

“It’s fine. Just don’t be late for call time, okay? They’ll hold _me_ responsible for you.”

“Haha, I knew I could always count on you. You’re the best, Jah.”

“ _Whatever_. I’ll see you at training.”

“See you.”

Ken dropped the call and proceeded to just stare at Josh. His writer— _lover_ now, and he still could not wrap his head around this fact—was snoring softly on his side, facing Ken. He had one arm tucked under his head. As he breathed, Ken admired his pretty eyebrows, his thick lashes, his naturally pinkish cheeks. Even his unshaven morning look was stunning.

The purple patches on Josh’s neck caught his attention. Ken fought back a grin. They looked like bruises but more beautiful, knowing that he was the one who gave them to Josh.

If only he could replace Josh’s scars with his own marks, how great would that be?

_Ah, I have some, too_ , Ken thought as he looked down on his naked upper body. He could see similar bruises and bite marks on his chest. He hoped that they would be easily hidden with concealer, because the clothes he would be wearing at his bookings might expose some skin.

He was still in the middle of checking himself when he caught two half-open eyes looking at him. Ken couldn’t help but smile.

“Hey… Good morning…” he greeted, leaning on his elbow to face Josh.

Josh wasn’t fully awake yet. He immediately grimaced and turned his back at Ken. The sight made Ken want to hug the man to death.

He poked Josh’s back repeatedly. “Hey, wake up. I need my shirt…”

Josh replied in an unintelligible garble of words, still half-asleep.

“It’s cute that you’re wearing my shirt and all, I promise. But… I have to go…”

Josh immediately sprang up, trying to open his eyes. “ _Go_ …? Go where?”

“Haha, work. I have training at eleven.” Ken sat up, too. “I can’t exactly go there without a shirt.”

“Oh… _right_ ,” Josh said, and plopped down on his back again. He checked his phone for the time. “It’s still eight-thirty. Do you want to have breakfast first?”

“Sure!” came Ken’s enthusiastic reply.

“Okay… Should we order take-out? Or do you want to go by Starbucks—?”

Ken gave Josh an exaggerated grimace. “Why would you spend that much for breakfast?”

“Because… that’s how I’ve _always_ had breakfast? Unless Jun comes to feed me.” Josh rubbed his eyes again, fully awake now.

_Cute_ , Ken thought. He felt the need to lean over and kiss Josh good morning, and so he did. He was slowly starting to learn more about Josh and the life he used to have before Ken came along. Contentment settled warmly in his chest.

“I’ll cook,” Ken said. “You shouldn’t waste hard-earned money, okay?”

Josh blushed. “You are ruining my routine…”

“Haha, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be… I like it,” he replied, smirking. He thought for a quick second before looking at Ken with pleading eyes. “So… can we have _adobo_?”

* * *

“What are all of those?” Ken asked, pointing to a shelf in the living room by the large glass window. The shelf was filled with an assortment of books, pens in boxes, and small stuffed toys. It was separate from Josh’s personal book collection, which he kept in his bedroom.

Josh looked up, mouth half-full with breakfast, and turned to where Ken was pointing at.

“Ah, those? Gifts,” he said after swallowing. Josh had been very generous with his compliments about Ken’s cooking, and he ate with gusto. “The books and the toys are from readers… The pens from colleagues and… admirers.”

“Oh, I see— _wait_ … That’s a lot of pens, though.” Ken gave him the most suspicious stare he could manage.

“Yeah… I think I have about fifty of them…? And those are just the ones I received after my third book.”

Ken looked at him incredulously. So there were more gifts from people who wanted to date Josh? Ken can attest to his writer’s magnetic charisma but… just how many people is he up against?

Josh looked like he knew what was going on in his head and smirked cockily. “What can I say? I’m a tall drink of water.”

“Not _that_ tall.” Josh rolled his eyes and got back to his meal, smiling. _Beautiful_. “I bet you got your good looks from your parents, though.”

There was a slight pause as Josh chewed his food; it was a very short pause, but one that Ken noticed anyway.

“I wouldn’t know,” he said, staring at the plate in front of him. “I didn’t grow up with my biological parents.”

Ken was surprised at the revelation. “ _Huh_ …?”

“Nope,” Josh said, shaking his head. He looked up to give Ken a small smile. “I was adopted. And I never really bothered to look for my real parents. It was easier that way.”

“Oh… so… where are your adoptive parents now?”

“The US,” Josh replied. “They migrated after they retired to be with their biological kids. I was in college.”

“So… you’ve been alone since then?”

Josh nodded. “Pretty much… Well, I never really bothered to be congenial, but I had a handful of… _friends_. So yeah, I also have work acquaintances, people I’ve met as a writer…”

“Wasn’t it… lonely?” Ken asked, putting his cheek on one hand as he continued to stare at Josh.

“It was, I guess?” He flipped over his wrists, showing the faded white scars that crisscrossed over his pale skin. “I never would have admitted it at that time. But I was young and dealt with it the only way I knew how…”

Ken continued to watch as Josh ate in silence, just thinking. When Ken was younger, he had nothing. Not the money or the education. But he had friends. He had people who taught him to be kind and to love fiercely. Josh didn’t have that, and Ken wished he could have been there for all those years that Josh was alone.

“You fought hard, huh?”

“ _Ugh_ , stop.” Josh said, hanging his head. “If I needed the mothering, I’d go to Jun. And let’s not get started about _Stell_ who’s pretty much my doting dad…!”

There was a small smile on Josh’s lips as he talked in between bites. He was complaining, but Ken could see that he was grateful for the two people who have stuck with him through the years. Ken was both grateful and envious of Jun and Stell who have had so many years with Josh. The two most important people in his writer’s life…

“So you’re saying…” Ken started, smiling, “that I practically already met your parents last night? Everyone I needed to meet?”

Josh choked on his coffee. He sputtered twice, and Ken couldn’t help but laugh at how his face distorted into a look of delayed realization.

“God, now that you mention it! Yes, you did!” he said, still beating on his chest as he coughed. “Those two dorks… are all I have.”

“Oh… Then, that’s great…”

“Wow, now you’re just being patronizing,” Josh said, teasing. “Are you looking down on me?”

“No, I mean… If back then you only had the two of them, I guess that kind of makes me the third…?” he said in an innocent voice. “I’m glad that I can be here for you from now on, too.”

Ken waited for the ‘ _God, you’re so sappy_ ’ and the ‘ _You sentimental little dweeb_ ’ comment, but it didn’t come.

Instead, Josh looked up at him and blinked twice. He blinked several times more before his eyes glazed over… Then, he wordlessly stood up, cleared the table, and started doing the dishes.

After a little while, Josh said, “ _I’m not crying_ …” in a voice that was breaking a little.

“Yeah, I know…” Ken replied, smiling to himself. He stood up and waited beside Josh. “Need help with the dishes?”

“It’s fine… you have work,” Josh replied, then wiped his eyes with the sleeve of the shirt he was wearing—Ken’s shirt. “Ah, but _this_ …”

He gave Josh a wide grin. “I have my jacket so… keep the shirt for now. You might get lonely without me.”

Josh turned to him pouting, but still managed to look like a menacing beady-eyed bunny. “I want to wipe that smug look off you face.”

“Later…” Ken said and ruffled Josh’s hair, making him pout even more. “Because… I _can_ come back later, right?”

Josh looked away, but he smiled, too.

“…Yeah… sure…”

* * *

Ken plopped down on his back, spread-eagle on the floor. As usual, training was grueling, and he wanted nothing more than to get back to Josh’s side and cuddle until he fell asleep. Because _what the fuck_ was with that routine? He felt like his knees and toes would give away any second.

“Good job, as always,” said Jamie, handing him a towel and a bottle of water.

Ken sat up and took it. “Thanks… Did you need anything?”

“You read my mind, hun,” she said, her eyes crinkling. She squatted on the floor in front of him and put her elbows on her knees. “About your bookings…”

“Mm-hmm?” Ken responded, still guzzling the water from the bottle.

“There are a lot of tentative schedules for you. Mostly workshops and photoshoots. I wanted to ask you if you wanted to take them all or cancel some.”

Jamie had been very helpful in dealing with Ken and Justin’s schedules. He was grateful that she always consulted with them before booking anything.

“Pros and cons?”

“Pros,” Jamie started. “Aside from building your portfolio, some of these companies are slowly starting to make a name for themselves. They seem to really like you, so I suggest you take those ones to establish networks. The rest, you can probably let slide.”

Ken nodded. “Cons?”

“Cons… some of these schedules happen back to back in different cities. So you’ll be spending a lot more time traveling if you accept all of them. And it’ll be hectic.”

_Oh_ , Ken thought. A slight queasiness settled slowly in his gut. He had never expected it would be easy to maintain a relationship with someone, but he forgot that his schedules would probably make it a bit harder to spend time with Josh.

“Are all of those outside Manila?”

Jamie eyed him suspiciously, then gave him a once over. Her eyes widened. “You met _that_ guy!”

“What are you talking about?”

“ _That guy_! The one you’ve been so hung up on!”

Ken blushed and tried to hide the bruises on his chest. He didn’t need Jamie asking anything about his intimate moments with Josh. If he had learned anything about her, it was that when she started asking questions, she was _very thorough_.

“He’s in Manila? All this time?”

“Yeah, yeah! I’ll tell you all about it later,” he said, cutting her teasing off. “The schedules?”

Jamie pouted. “Killjoy. _Fine_. Three are in Manila, the rest aren’t.”

“Can I just take those?” he asked. “And maybe one or two outside of Manila? You can give some to other trainees, right?”

“Aish… look at you being whipped.” Jamie pinched his cheek. “Yes, I can. But you’ll owe me.”

“You know I don’t have money.”

“You owe me a drink, then,” she said. “Okay, so I’ll keep the ones who want _you_ specifically in your schedule. And then I’ll see who else lacks a booking.”

“Thanks, Jamie,” he said.

“I just hope you know you’re wasting some serious chances here. Although to be fair, taking on everything at once will also be tiring,” she told him as she stood up. “Just… start thinking about how you’ll do the juggling act from here on out. Prioritize things.”

“Yeah… Yeah, okay.”

Jamie held his gaze for a little while before walking away.

Ken sighed. He knew some talents in the agency were starting to talk about how he gets a lot of bookings. He didn’t mind because he honestly worked just as hard as the rest of them. But for him to let some of these opportunities go was like an insult to their efforts.

It was just that Ken just found his writer again after more than a year. And there was a part of him that wanted to spend as much time together as he could. Was it selfish and stupid to want to make up for lost time?

Selfish, stupid, and a little bit greedy, for sure. But could they blame him?

With everything that he was and would probably be facing, he wanted to do things slowly. Thinking wasn’t his strong suit, so taking it one step at a time was the best way to go.

_Baby steps_ , Ken said to himself as he traveled back to Josh’s. Just one clumsy foot in front of the other. He could take this career thing slowly. After all, Josh said he understood. Josh said he wouldn’t go anywhere.

He just needed to make sure that each and every careful step he took, no matter how small, would inch closer towards his writer, his lover. Because if they weren’t then it would all be a waste of his efforts.

And as Josh opened the door to welcome him back, Ken ignored the feeling that was squeezing his stomach tightly. This was still okay. There was no need to hurry… for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thoughts?


	3. the writer's distance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter takes place a few days after chapter one
> 
> chapter contains: 4000+ words; some fluff, some angst, and some original characters

**chapter two: the writer’s distance**

Ken looked at himself through the large mirror. He studied the clothes he was wearing, looking at which details of the silver jacket and net shirt he wore needed to be flaunted as he walked the runway. The detailed embroidery on the jacket, definitely. But the mesh shirt though, he wondered if he should take off the jacket later in the middle of his walk?

_Ah, but they might see_ … Ken leaned in closer to the mirror to check if the makeup was effectively hiding the fading lovebites on his neck and chest. He could still see the outline of purple-reddish patches that were left on his body. He bit back a smile.

It had only been a few days since he and Josh met again, but he was already crazy happy. Things have gone so well between the two of them that Ken couldn’t help but think that something was coming… something big and nasty…

“He’s here! _He’s here_ , _Ken_!”

Justin ran straight to Ken and gripped his arms tightly, shaking him. Like him, Justin had his hair and make-up done. He was wearing a long-sleeved mesh shirt and a long coat.

“Jah, Jah! Let go of me!” he complained and wriggled out of Justin’s grasp. “ _Who’s_ here?”

Justin’s eyes were wide as he stared at Ken. “C. Santos!”

Ken felt the air leave his lungs as if he was just punched in the gut. _Josh_? _Here_?

“Are you sure?”

He started to walk briskly towards the edge of the backstage, Justin following behind him. Ken peered through the wooden dividers to look discreetly at the audience who were seated close to the runway.

“Over there!” Justin said, pointing to the left side of the stage. “That’s row G, I think. The one wearing white and sunglasses.”

Ken trailed his eyes across the atrium to the row Justin was pointing at. There, sitting near the catwalk and looking expensive as heck in a white coat and black turtleneck, was his lover. Josh was staring down at his phone with a bored but still beautiful look on his face.

“Is he here for you?” Justin asked.

“No, I didn’t… I didn’t tell him about this booking.”

Justin gaped. “He looks good in the turtleneck… But it’s a bit hot for that, don’t you think?”

“Ah… I guess,” replied Ken. He couldn’t exactly tell Justin that the likely reason Josh wore a turtleneck was because Ken had left a _lot_ of marks on him, too.

Ken shook his head. He shouldn’t be daydreaming about that yet. The more important question was: what was Josh doing at his gig? Did he really go there for Ken or was it a coincidence? The butterflies in his stomach started to rapidly flutter their wings.

He stopped overthinking the situation when they were called to review the run of show. Ken was one of the last models to walk at every set, which was a big chip on his shoulder. Everyone knew he wasn’t as experienced as a model but the director, Archie, seemed confident in him. Ken guessed it meant he was doing well.

Archie stood on a stool at the very front of the dressing room and clapped his hands to get everybody’s attention. Then he nervously smoothed his checkered vest and pants before giving his final remarks.

“This is it, babes and beaus! Remember: end of the runway, that’s where our VIPs are, okay? Give ‘em a good show!” he yelled.

Ken nodded his head, along with the rest of the models. It wasn’t his first runway, but every single one made him nervous, still. And it didn’t help that Archie subtly held him back just as everyone started to get to their standby positions.

“Hey, Ken, babe?” Archie said, grabbing his shoulder.

“Yeah?”

He gestured for Ken to lean over, and so Ken did. “Not to scare you or anything… but you should give it your best today, okay? I want to introduce you to someone after the show.”

“ _Eh_?!” Ken exclaimed, standing straight. “Who?”

“One of the VIPs is a growing force in Southeast Asian fashion and clothing industry.” Archie said while adjusting Ken’s jacket. “He’s looking for models, so who knows? You might get booked for international shows if he thinks you can sell his clothes.”

“But the company—”

“Oh, the company knows, babe,” he said. “I’m sure Jamie will tell you more details soon so… show ‘em what you got, okay?”

Archie walked away after patting him on the back. Ken was left there, blinking at the empty spot where he had been.

As if Ken wasn’t already feeling enough pressure. Sure, an international booking would be great but did Archie really have to tell him that _right before the show_? Ken shook his head, remaining mindful of his makeup and his hair.

That kind of pressure was intense, but he can’t let that get to him. He had a job to do. He had to do it well. Not just because of the stuck-up rich people who would be scrutinizing him from head to toe, but because of the pair of eyes that would be watching him from the sidelines for the first time.

Ken breathed to pump himself up and then walked to his standby position.

* * *

_Don’t slouch. Chin up. Walk._

_Basics_ , Ken thought as he started to walk to the beat of the music. It took a while, but he realized that runway and dancing had a lot in common. He had to be conscious of his posture, the slightest movement of his body. And when he came to realize that, it made things easier.

_Flaunt the clothes. Seduce the crowd. Maintain eye contact._

For some reason, he could feel the crowd stare in awe at him as he walked with a blank gaze. It was something that he surprisingly did naturally and gotten praise over, though Ken doesn’t really do anything special.

Ken struck a pose at the end of the runway, flaunting the clothes as was his job. The VIPs scrutinized him shortly before nodding and whispering to each other. That was enough, and Ken took a step back before doing a quick turn.

As he started to walk back, Ken risked glancing to the side to where he knew Josh sat. He was confident he could find Josh easily in a crowd, so it didn’t take long for him to spot his writer. Josh’s eyes grew wide when their eyes met. Ken gave him a small smirk that made his ears go red as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

If it were another situation, Ken would have stopped to laugh at Josh’s reaction. But he was working. So instead he kept his stare intense as he let his jacket fall to his elbows, showing off his bare chest through mesh top.

Josh bit back a smile and looked away, turning a shade of red deeper.

_Victory_.

* * *

Whenever a show or a dance performance ended, Ken can’t help but think that he was on the right path. Every show, big or small, was exhilarating. Working together with talented people, traveling around—it barely felt like work to him at all.

He was smiling widely, laughing, and hugging the models and staff backstage for a successful show. Some of the models from other agencies were already introducing themselves to the designers and the staff. Ken himself was having fun talking to the makeup artists.

“ _Babe_ …” Archie suddenly grabbed Ken by the arm and started to drag him away from the crowd. “Come on, I have to introduce you!”

“Wait, are you sure it’s okay?” Ken asked, his feet not quite in step with the rest of his body as Archie manhandled him.

“Positive. Look, there he is!”

Archie gestured to the backstage entrance and pointed at a tall, well-built man in a black semi-casual suit. He smiled with a perfect set of teeth as he spoke cheerfully to his companion. Ken would have wanted to give him a second glance but he didn’t get a chance because the man was talking… to Josh.

The two men chatted like old friends. Josh was laughing in a way that showed off the hidden dimples on his cheeks. He tapped the other man lightly on the chest as they continued their exchange. Then, the other man put his hand on Josh’s shoulder. They looked like they were angels taken straight out of a painting, standing out from the rest of the crowd with the way they glowed.

Something… Ken didn’t know what that something was but it pinched at his heart, slowly gnawing at the tender flesh.

“ _Maius_!” called Archie, and he hurried towards the pair with Ken in tow. Both the man and Josh turned to them.

Archie reached up to kiss the man on the cheek before turning to Josh and kissing him as well. Josh looked like he was trying hard not to show his surprise.

“Hello, babes. Had a good show?”

Maius flashed Archie a bright smile. He cocked his head to the side. “Archie, when have I _not_ enjoyed your shows?”

Archie laughed and patted Maius on the shoulder. “You smooth operator! I see you found Josh after all, eh? Do I smell a comeback?”

“Well, if you invited him for that purpose I can’t complain,” Maius said, beaming.

Josh coughed loudly. Ken didn’t miss the way he blushed as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“Maius… _stop_.”

“I’m just saying! You had a good thing back then.” It seemed like to Ken that they were talking about something between Josh and Maius. Ken suddenly felt out of place. “You had, what? Three dates?”

“ _Four_ dates,” Maius corrected. “And then he ditched me when I invited him to my branch opening in Singapore.”

“Oooh, _burn_ ,” Archie said, making spirit fingers at Josh.

Josh rubbed his temples with both hands. “Guys… _please_ …”

“Sorry, JC.” Maius put his arm around Josh and pulled him close.

Ken felt a strong need to pry them apart rise from the pit of his stomach. He wasn’t sure if it was the fact that Josh didn’t shy away from the skinship or because Maius had called Josh a pet name that rolled so easily off his tongue.

_Jealousy_. So that was what it felt like. Ken willed it back to the depths of his bowels.

Josh caught Ken’s blank stare and immediately peeled himself off Maius’ embrace. “Erm…”

“Oh, sorry. We must have shocked you.” Maius only then acknowledged him. “Is this the one?”

Archie pushed Ken forward so he was standing closer to Maius. He was a few inches taller than Ken, with his jet-black hair styled sleekly to one side. As he tilted his head, a stray lock fell loosely over his deep brown eyes. By any standard, Maius was indeed a handsome man.

“Yes,” Archie answered, nodding. “This is him…”

Ken took the hand that Maius held out and hoped that he didn’t squeeze harder than necessary. He could feel Josh just staring nervously as they shook hands.

“Good job out there. You know, I already noticed when you first walked out, but you really have presence.” Maius was waving an index finger at Ken. Ken forced a smile.

“Didn’t I tell you, babe? Isn’t he just _glorious_?”

Maius gave him a once over. He opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted when someone else spoke.

“ _He is_ ,” came Josh’s response. Ken, Archie, and Maius turned to him, who seemed surprised that he said it out loud. “Uhm, I mean…”

“Haha, still tactless as ever,” Maius exclaimed. His hand slid down from Josh’s arm to lingered just under his palm. Josh discreetly shook it off.

Without even batting an eye, Maius looked back at Ken and smiled. “But I would have to agree. After all, JC has good taste.”

“I told you I’ll find you a good model. Consider calling his company for your future casting calls, won’t you Maius?” Archie gripped Ken’s shoulder tightly, as if trying to get him to talk.

Maius laughed. “I’m already thinking about it. SB Agency, right?”

“Yes,” was the only thing Ken could say. Then he bowed a little bit, as was taught to them whenever dealing with potential clients.

“Well, there you go, Archie.” Archie clapped his hands excitedly when Maius gave him a thumbs up. “Now, I should get going. JC? Please let me take you out to dinner.”

“ _Oh_! Uhm…” Josh suddenly looked awkwardly from Ken to Archie to Maius and then back to Ken.

“Come on, Jayce. It’s been a while. Let me make it up to you.” Ken started to get annoyed when Maius’ hand caressed the back of Josh’s head to his neck.

Josh pretended to look around, stealing glances at Ken as if asking for permission.

Ken so desperately just wanted to tell Maius to _fuck off_ … But he was, and apparently _is_ , Josh’s friend. It dawned on Ken that Josh had a life outside of him, Stell, and Jun. And Ken didn’t want to keep Josh away from that. It would be selfish and cruel.

So despite the tightness in his chest, Ken smiled and gave a small, barely noticeable nod.

“Uh… Yeah, okay,” Josh said weakly.

“ _I knew it_! This is the comeback of the century!” Archie gave a loud, high-pitched squeal that beat against Ken’s eardrums.

Maius laughed. Then he excused himself from Ken and Archie before putting one arm lightly around Josh’s waist and leading him away.

“Have fun!” Archie quipped. Ken could only stare.

Josh started to look back at him; but he quickly turned away, unsure what kind of face he was making at that moment.

* * *

“ _Ha_?!” Justin yelled loudly, making Ken cover his ears. “Wait. So he’s like… your _boyfriend_?!”

“Yes! Yes, Jah! Why are you yelling at me?!” Ken only pulled the pillow closer to cover his head.

“So _that’s_ why you didn’t go home from the book signing!” Justin smacked his back with another pillow.

“If you crack a bad gay joke, I will murder you.”

“I wasn’t going to! I was going to ask why you didn’t just say anything when Archie introduced you?”

Ken snorted, then turned on his side to face Justin who was sitting on the couch across Ken. “And make a fool out of myself? Jah, I was totally out of place back there!”

Justin pouted and cradled his chin with both hands. The two of them stared at each other, quiet, then turned to the clock which showed that it was already eleven in the evening.

“I bet they had dinner somewhere fancy…” Justin started. “Somewhere you can’t afford… and then… maybe he took C. Sa—I mean, Josh—someplace with just the two of them—”

“ _Shut your mouth if you don’t have anything useful to say_!” Ken complained, throwing a pillow at him. It had been their thing to casually throw non-fragile objects at each other as a way of showing affection.

“Of course, I’m kidding!” Justin said, catching the throw pillow with both hands. “But if you’re _really_ concerned, why don’t you just call Josh?”

Ken pulled his hair and felt like an idiot. “I don’t have his number.”

“ _What kind of boyfriend are you_?!” Justin yelled putting both his hands on his head.

“We only just met again, okay?! And we were kind of busy, uhm… Just… I _didn’t_ get a chance to get his number, okay?!”

“It’s been a few days!” Justin tut-tutted at him. “You and your priorities. I am _beyond_ disappointed.”

“Now, you’re making me feel even worse about myself…”

Justin continued his litany about what Ken could have done better, while Ken continued to spiral to insecurity. Justin had a point. What kind of boyfriend _did_ it make Ken if he couldn’t even remember to get Josh’s number?

And what was that thing with Maius? Ken had known that Josh probably had partners before. Rich, handsome, and articulate people who stood on level ground with Josh. He knew. But knowing it and seeing it in person hit differently. The latter hit him like a ton of bricks.

Why did Josh have to be so beautiful? Why did he have to be naturally alluring? Just thinking about everyone _else_ who had touched Josh in the past made Ken want to wage war against them. And he felt miserable that he was capable of such burning jealousy.

Everything was just so new to him: being in a relationship; living in a big city; working with people who were as intelligent and overwhelmingly brilliant as Josh was. Just when Ken thought he was finally catching up by pursuing a career he loved doing… Josh surprises him again with just how much gap there is between them.

Ever inching forward but never getting closer. That was how Ken felt when it came to Josh. He felt like he had to do more just so he could catch up.

The loud ringing of his phone shook Ken from his inner angst. He stared at the screen for two seconds before lazily grabbing it from the coffee table. An unregistered number was calling him.

It was eleven in the evening, it was unlikely to be from the agency, but Ken answered it anyway in the case it was work-related.

“Hello, this is Ken.”

“ _Ken_!” said Josh’s voice from the other end of the line.

Soft like velvet and calming like ocean waves: that’s how it sounded like. Just the sound of his writer’s voice stopped Ken’s demons from whispering in his ears. Suddenly, a fuzzy kind of warmth wrapped around him like a safety blanket. He felt lighter. It was as if he wasn’t wallowing in self-pity just ten seconds prior.

Ken glanced tentatively at Justin, who seemed to be listening in on the call. He did a shooing motion at his friend.

“It’s _my_ house…!” Justin hissed underneath his breath. But he still stood up and stomped to his room, closing the door silently behind him.

“ _Josh_ …” Ken said, his voice coming out like a plea.

He was supposed to get mad. He was supposed to complain. But just Josh’s voice chased all of his dark thoughts away. Ken pulled up his knees to his chest. Man, he was whipped.

“Hey…” Josh replied. “Where are you?”

“… Justin’s…”

“Okay…” A pause. “Hey, I just… I wanted to apologize, alright? I shouldn’t have acted like that at the show… And sorry for Archie being such a blabbermouth…”

Ken shook his head. “It sucked… but I’m sure you didn’t want to be put on the spot anyway. It’s… fine.”

“It’s _not_ fine…” Josh insisted. “At least, not to me. It doesn’t sit well with me. I was just surprised to see you there, and everything happened so fast, I—”

“It’s… really fine, Josh,” he said honestly. “Are you home now?”

“Yeah, yeah. I got back an hour ago. I had to get your number from Jun and he took so long to answer his phone. Why do we _not_ have each other’s phone numbers?”

_Because we were busy getting in each other’s pants_ , Ken thought. But he couldn’t say anything as he was still preoccupied by Josh’s voice. He tried to focus, get back to the conversation.

Ken wanted to ask about the dinner and about Maius. He wanted to know more about who Josh was before they met; who he was back then, how he smiled at the people he’s been with in the past… but Ken was unsure just how much he could ask before Josh took a step back.

“Hm…”

His writer seemed to notice his hesitation because he heaved a sigh. “You’re… You want to ask about Maius, don’t you?”

“… Mm…”

“Okay…” Josh sighed. “I don’t really like talking about exes, but okay…”

“So… you and Maius…?”

Josh grunted on the other line and exhaled.

“We had a thing, yeah… It was a long time ago,” he started. “I was… young and easily impressed by shiny things. We only dated for a couple of months anyway. It wasn’t even _that_ serious.”

Ken remained quiet.

“Maius… he’s a great guy. A _little_ narcissistic and _little_ pushy, but he’s nice. He had things he wanted to do for himself, so I didn’t see myself with him in the long run. _That’s it_.”

Ken put his head on his knees. “ _Hmm_ …”

Another pause. “You’re asking about _that_ , aren’t you?”

“Mm-hmm…”

“Ugh! Why can’t I say ‘no’ to you?” came Josh’s complain. He sighed. “ _Fine_ … We got intimate in the past. But like I said: nothing serious. So don’t… don’t think about it anymore, okay?”

“Hm…”

“Maius is cancelled, anyway. I told him I’m already seeing someone.”

Ken sat straight, startled. “ _Hah_?!”

“Oh, so _now_ you can talk?” Josh chuckled. “Yep, I told him I was dating someone good-looking and nice. Someone funny, hardworking, patient, cooks well, good in bed—Hello? _Hello_ , _Ken_?”

Ken let himself fall on his side on the couch, knees still pulled up to his chest. He felt like screaming for no reason at all. The butterflies in his stomach won’t stop fluttering.

“Ken? _Hello_?”

“… I’m here…”

“Oh, good…” said Josh. “Hey, don’t overthink it, please? And… and if things like these come up, promise me we’ll talk it over?”

“Yeah, okay…”

“Anything and everything. Promise me.”

“Anything and everything. I promise,” he said. After a moment of silence, he followed up with, “I want to see you…”

“Ken, it’s late…”

“I know… but I _still_ want to see you…”

Josh was silent for a while. “Me, too…”

That decided it for Ken. Without dropping the call, he grabbed his wallet and his shoes. Then he called out to Justin that he was heading out before walking out of the door.

“Give me a few minutes,” Ken said, jogging. “I’m coming over.”

* * *

Josh fell asleep, curled up against Ken’s lap and holding a book loosely in his hands. For the lack of anything to do, they settled for reading to again… but for some reason Josh fell asleep first. And as he lay there on the bed, Ken played with his hair for a little while, just thinking.

If his writer were a deity, then he was already kneeling in the mud trying to meet Ken halfway. Josh was obviously trying to make Ken feel that nothing had changed even if they weren’t carefree in the island anymore. So much so that he was doing so much just to make a little room for Ken in his life. And Ken wondered… until when will Josh be the one to adjust for him?

_Not forever_ , Ken thought to himself. If Ken were to stay by his writer’s side, he would have to be someone. Someone who was confident and could give Josh the comfort he deserved. Someone people wouldn’t question if they stood side by side… someone like Maius, maybe.

The uneasiness in his stomach resurfaced. He had probably been doing it wrong. He couldn’t be complacent. He couldn’t take it easy. He had to catch up or Josh might give up more than he bargained for. Ken didn’t want that.

So Ken picked up his phone and dialed at three in the morning. The other person answered after just a few rings.

“I hope you know what time it is,” came Jamie’s sleepy response. “If you don’t, I’m telling you it’s three _fucking_ AM.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Ken said, whispering. He let his hand fall over Josh’s shoulder, caressing it with the pads of his thumb. “Uhm… do you remember all those gigs I didn’t take?”

“Geez, this couldn’t wait until morning?! Hold on, I’ll get my planner.” There was a distant scuffling before Jamie spoke again. “Yup… What about them?”

“I want to take all of them…”

Jamie was quiet. “Wait, are you serious?”

“Yeah…” he replied.

“Ken… if you go for all of this, you’d be traveling back and forth between Manila and another city weekly for the next month.”

“Yeah, I know. That was why I didn’t accept them, remember?”

“I do. So why? What changed your mind?”

Ken looked down at the sleeping beauty nestled against his leg. “Uhm… I want to do better.”

“Until your lungs give out, you mean?”

“Haha, no. Just… I want to hurry and establish my name. I’m not getting any younger.”

“Well… that’s true, but…” Jamie seemed to think about it for a little while. “Are you sure about this?”

“ _Positive_.”

“Fine…” Jamie replied. “I’ll call them in the morning… because unlike _some people_ , I’m not an insensitive human being who calls at three A.M.”

Ken chuckled. “Thank you, Jamie.”

The call was dropped, and Ken heaved a sigh. This was still one step at a time, but bigger and probably more desperate. It would probably cost him, but he was willing to gamble on this. It was only for a little while anyway, and then he would get closer to the man beside him eventually.

Ken carefully lay on his side next to Josh, just staring as he slept. _I’m sorry, but can you wait for me a little bit longer_? _I promise, I’ll catch up_ , he pleaded.

He stared at Josh breathing for a while longer before himself falling asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that was long and emotionally draining.   
> sorry, ken. you drew the short end of the stick.


	4. the writer, concerned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no idea what i'm writing anymore. awheat
> 
> chapter contains: 4000+ words; heavy narrations, confusing time skips, fast paced scenes before eventual fluff/angst, a very sick and slightly ooc felip john cliché, and an m/e scene
> 
> warning: do NOT have any sexual activity when you're sick; i almost sacrificed surfer boy in this chapter, sorry. thanks to R_ATIN for pointing it out; tinkyuuu anne <3 <3

**chapter three: the writer, concerned**

Schedules had been tight for Ken. He had back to back bookings at least twice a week. Photoshoots, casting calls, and dance workshops took up most of his time away. Most of his bookings also happened to be from companies outside of Manila, which meant he was often traveling by bus or plane.

On days when he _was_ in Manila, he would either be training or using what little time he has to catch up on his rest. Ken would stay for a while at Justin’s, and then after gaining enough strength he would go to Josh’s… and fall asleep there.

It had been two months.

“Ken, I’m worried…” Josh said sternly over the phone.

It was late in the afternoon and Ken had just arrived from a workshop in Batangas. He was supposed to go to Josh’s, but once he got on Justin’s couch his body felt heavy and he couldn’t find the will to move anymore.

“Sorry…” he replied. “I know I haven’t been spending as much time but you know it’s work…”

It had been one of Ken’s busiest schedules. Before his Batangas gig, he had one out-of-town booking and a casting call in QC; and in the in-between he had training. He had not met Josh in weeks, given his tight timetable so they planned on meeting as soon as he got back from Batangas.

“Well, I understand. But that’s not my point here.” Josh sounded concerned. “Aren’t you… doing a bit too much?”

Ken closed his eyes, finding them too heavy to keep open anyway. “What do you mean?”

“I just noticed that you’ve been having schedules one after another. I don’t want to meddle but—”

Josh started a monologue about how he thinks Ken had been accepting too many castings and bookings, etcetera… etcetera. Ken didn’t really hear half of it as he focused on how Josh’s voice was soft, whispery, and slowly ushering him to slumber.

Josh's voice, whether on the phone or in person, was still Ken’s favorite sound; especially when he found it hard to sleep over the weeks. Even on days when Josh would scold him because of his refusal to drink water or get enough rest, Josh’s voice was his go-to chill track. 

Josh would probably be mad at him that he’s not listening, but Ken only smiled as he continued to focus on his writer’s voice. He didn’t understand what Josh was saying anymore. He only knew that Josh’s voice became more and more dreamlike, making Ken relax… until he eventually fell asleep.

* * *

“Yeah, I just arrived…” Ken said, phone haphazardly stuck between his ear and shoulders while talking to Josh on the phone.

Josh heaved an exasperated sigh. “Good. That was close. Any minute later and the plane would have left without you.”

“Thanks for the wake-up call earlier. I was seriously dead asleep and Justin wasn’t home to wake me.” Ken grabbed his luggage from the conveyor belt and started to make his way out of the airport.

His entire body working on overdrive for the past two months was finally taking its toll on Ken. He had slept for over twelve hours, but he was still tired. When he woke up, his joints and muscles ached and his throat felt sore. If not for Josh’s incessant phone call early that morning, he would have missed his flight back to Surigao.

“Your voice sounds off,” Josh commented when Ken cleared his throat roughly over the phone. “Are you okay?”

Ken sniffed. “Yeah… this is nothing,” he said. But his chest felt tight and he felt weak. He probably needed more rest.

Josh sounded suspicious. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure,” he said, coughing this time.

“Maybe you should just come back?” Josh said, concerned. “I’ll book you a ticket.”

“And miss Tip’s 50th birthday? No way!” Ken said, smiling when he saw Red and Tip by the airport exit. “I’ll be fine, Josh… I see Tip now, so we’ll be traveling again. I’ll call you when I get home.”

“Hm… Okay,” Josh said. “Later, then.”

Josh dropped the call, and Ken opened his arms to greet both Red and Tip. He missed his friends, but strangely he didn’t feel their hugs, their teasing, and the walk to Tip’s old jeep. Part of him felt unreal; like he was just watching through somebody else’s eyes… like a dream. The hour-long ride to the town didn’t even feel that long because he fell asleep in the back seat right away. And when he woke up, Red was telling him that they had arrived.

Ken muttered a weak ‘thanks, see you tomorrow’ and unlocked the door to his tiny twenty-five-square-meter room. The door creaked on its hinges and slowly opened. He sneezed. The mess and the stuffiness greeted him like a slap to the face.

There was a thin layer of dust everywhere after two months of abandonment. The floor needed sweeping. To the rightmost corner, the bathroom door looked dark and dank. Ken could practically see the dust clouds that settled over the thin mattress of his bed, which was pushed all the way to the other corner of his room. The table and the cabinet to Ken’s right by the door was almost empty, but equally dirty, and there was a small pile of clothes on the hamper that he should probably wash.

Ken sighed. He wanted to clean up… he did. But he just felt so tired that he simply rolled his mattress off to the side, turned on his ceiling fan, and collapsed on the wooden surface of his bed without even bothering to change his clothes. He slept some more.

* * *

Ken woke up in the middle of the night… and he was on _fire_.

Or at least, that’s how it felt like. He felt so hot on the inside but his hands and feet were cold. He was shivering, and his entire body felt like a useless lump of rubber.

With much difficulty, Ken sat up; every fiber of his being was protesting and telling him to get back to the hard wooden surface of his bed. But his throat felt dry and sore and he needed water. So Ken planted two cold feet on the floor and grabbed the bottled water he brought from Manila. He finished it in two large gulps.

Still trembling, Ken took his jacket and wrapped it around himself. It barely helped the cold and heat that were warring on his insides.

That moment, Ken knew he was in trouble. He just hoped he would wake up better in the morning because he really didn’t have the energy to send a distress call to anyone.

* * *

His phone was ringing. Ken liked to think that he answered it… but he wasn’t sure if it was a dream or he really did pick up… he just felt so cold that he just went back to sleep.

* * *

“ _The number you have dialed is either unattended or out of coverage area—_ ”

Still no answer.

Josh was getting antsy. His leg kept bouncing up and down by the balls of his feet. Ken had not picked up all night at all, even if Josh had tried to call a hundred times. Now, it was seven in the morning, and it was unlike Ken not to respond.

_He sounded sick yesterday_ , Josh mused. He didn’t want to sound paranoid but there was something wrong about the way Ken talked the day before that made him nervous. He dialed on his phone again and waited for someone— _anyone_ —to pick up the phone. He knew his surfer boy lived alone in Surigao, but he was so desperate to talk to anyone that he prayed for the call to be miraculously answered.

Josh jumped from his seat when someone finally picked up.

“… _‘Lo_ …?” It was Ken. Josh would have felt relieved if not for the weakness in Ken’s voice.

“Ken! What’s going on?”

“… Dunno…” he responded weakly. “… feel cold…”

_I knew it_ , Josh thought, his stress levels rising. He didn’t even notice that he was already grabbing the duffel bag from his cabinet and stuffing random pieces of clothing into it.

“You’re sick!” Josh said and was annoyed with the way he stated the obvious. “Is anyone with you?”

“… No…”

“Shit… I’m coming, okay? If you can, text anyone to get to you. I’m booking the next flight over.”

“… ‘Kay…”

“Okay… I’m hanging up. I’ll see you as soon as I can—”

“Talk more? _Please_ …”

Josh swallowed. He wanted to cry at how whiny and adorable Ken sounded and be mad that he was being stubborn. He sighed, fighting back the growing warmth on his cheeks.

“We’ll talk more once I get there, okay? Don’t be a baby…”

“ _Aw_ … ‘Kay…” Ken said, then he dropped the call.

Frantically, Josh grabbed his laptop, his jacket, and his wallet before brisk walking to the foyer to get his shoes. He had no idea if he was still going to get a chance passenger seat at the last minute, or how he’ll find Ken’s house, but he’ll risk it.

There was one other person Josh needed to call, and so he hurriedly scrolled through his contacts until he found Justin de Dios’ number. He quickly dialed it and Justin picked up almost immediately, much to Josh’s relief.

“Hello? Justin de Dios speaking. May I know who’s calling?”

“Uhm, hi… this is Josh Cullen Santos… I’m calling about Ken… By any chance, can you connect me with his friends in Surigao?”

* * *

Everything was a blur to Josh. Justin referred him to Jamie, who gave him Ken’s old colleagues’ numbers. Words were quickly exchanged, and Josh frantically asked them to check up on Ken while he tried to haggle with the airport staff so he could get a seat on the next Surigao-bound flight.

Be it by luck or divine intervention, Josh soon found himself on a plane to his surfer boy with no plan. His panicking heartbeats the only things telling him that it was not a dream, and that he _was_ being spontaneous.

He sighed. His self from two years ago would have laughed.

* * *

“… my God…”

“… been like this… cleaned a bit… didn’t wake up.”

“… brought medicine and water… something warm… I’ll stay here…”

“Sure…”

Ken was probably dreaming. Because the voices sounded too distant to be real. Ken tried to see but it hurt to try to open his eyes. He felt like throwing up, but he also didn’t have the strength to move.

“Hey… medicine?” It sounded like it was addressed to him. So he answered.

“ _Mmm_ …”

Someone’s warm touch slid to the back of his head and helped him to lift his head slightly. They pushed something small and bitter in his mouth, before putting something against his lips. It was water.

Ken drank minimally, and then surrendered to the heaviness of his body again. He curled up into a ball, his knees almost touching his chest.

There was a warmth that touched his forehead. Ken leaned into it.

“Geez… worried I was?”

The dreamy whisper made Ken smile. He wanted to keep listening, but he was already drifting back to sleep.

* * *

When Ken woke up again, it was night and he was feeling better. His head was still pounding, there was still a scratchy lump in his throat, his joints still on fire, and the air still cold against his skin; but he was feeling way better than when he last came to.

Ken just stared blankly at the ceiling, moving his eyes, when he felt something stuck to his forehead. Reaching up to it, he noticed that his clothes had been changed and he was now wearing a thin white shirt underneath the blanked laid over him.

He carefully sat up. He looked around, feeling lost. What happened while he was asleep? His room had been cleaned and arranged, his sheets were changed, and there were unfamiliar supplies on the table next to the door.

“Hey, you’re awake!”

Ken did a double take as he stared at Josh, who appeared from behind the wall at the foot of Ken’s bed. He must have come out of Ken’s tiny bathroom, hair still wet as if he had just gotten out of the bath, wearing plain home clothes.

Josh turned to him and crossed the distance between them in two strides, then knelt next to the bed. He put his hand on the fever patch stuck to Ken’s forehead.

“Your fever has gone down but it’s still a bit high,” he murmured. “You should probably eat something. You haven’t gotten any food in you since you arrived, have you?”

“Wait, how are you here?” Ken asked, confusion making his veins throb against his temples. “And… did you… clean my room?”

“Well, your friends and I did…” Josh said, tapping a knuckle to his jaw. “Of course, you’ll get sick. Your room is dusty!”

Ken felt a blush creep up to his cheeks. He felt shy about his humble living quarters and whatever kind of chaos Josh had to clean up. But at the same time, the way Josh moved comfortably in his room made his heart race. It was as if he was always meant to be there.

“How are you feeling?” Josh asked him.

“Better, I guess? But wait… how did you get here?”

Josh sat next to him on the edge of the bed. “Well, when you picked up the phone yesterday, you sounded like you were only half conscious. And even now your voice sounds hoarse. You got the flu, I think.”

“Oh… that’s weird,” Ken thought out loud, clearing his throat. “I don’t usually get sick. The last time was a _really_ long time ago.”

“Maybe because you’ve been working too hard.” Josh and Ken leaned with their backs to the wall where the small bed’s headrest was propped up against. Josh gave Ken a meaningful look. “Is there something wrong?”

Ken turned away. “What makes you think that?”

“Because you can’t look at me straight.”

“Uhm…”

Ken thought about what he should say. ‘ _Hey, Josh_ … _I really think I’m scum next to you so I’ve been trying to speed up my career growth._ ’ Nope. That would definitely make Josh mad. And Ken didn’t feel brave enough to tell him his insecurities yet because he knew Josh would just brush it off and tell him it was nothing.

But it _wasn’t_ nothing. It mattered a lot to Ken that he became someone successful enough to match Josh’s stature. And if Ken told him about it, Josh would probably coax him into stopping.

“… I just couldn’t pass up on the offers,” he said instead. Although it was half the truth, Ken still felt guilty. He swallowed the lump in his throat for the moment. “And I actually have fun at work… just… maybe the schedules _are_ a bit too tight.”

Josh sighed. “Yeah, I guess it’s kind of hard to choose between chances. I had a hard time with that in the past, too.”

“Really?” Ken turned to Josh who looked like he was replaying a funny scene in his head.

“Uh-huh,” he said. “After college, I was offered a teaching position at the national university. But I was already in a good momentum with my writing then… so I declined. That was probably one of the things I regret not trying.”

“Oh… I think you would have made a great teacher, though?”

Josh laughed. And just that was like a cure to the weakness Ken was feeling.

“ _Sure_ ,” he said sarcastically. “That way, I can give wide-eyed, innocent freshmen a good reality check and scare the living daylights out of them.”

“You didn’t scare me…” Ken said, chuckling. “They just… need some time to get to know you, that’s all. I still think you’d make an excellent teacher.”

“Oh, wow. You’re making me blush.” Josh chuckled and nudged him with his elbow. “Anyway, you should think about your schedules, okay? I don’t want you passing out in the gutter somewhere without me knowing.”

Ken sighed. “Yeah… Yeah, I’ll think about it. It’s just—”

“What?” Josh asked, thumbing the skin over Ken’s knuckles as he took them in his hand.

“Uhm… I just thought I wanted to gain experience, that’s all… I came in late to the industry so I have a lot to learn compared to the other models…”

“You’re doing well, promise,” Josh assured him, squeezing his hand. “I mean, you don’t see it… but I can. You’re doing splendidly. So… don’t push too hard, okay?”

Josh smirked. He seemed so confident about it that Ken felt he was being given an undeserved compliment… he knew he could do better. He _would_ do better. And until he felt that he deserved every bit of praise Josh was giving him, he would have to keep working.

But that was a conversation that should be reserved for later… because at that moment, the way Josh’s lips glistened as he smiled was _awfully_ distracting.

Without even thinking, Ken leaned in to kiss him. Josh was like fire against his cold and chapped lips, but it felt nice in a way. The way Josh responded to the kiss, gently sucking, melted the stiffness of his lips. He pulled him closer.

“Are you trying to get out of the conversation right now?” Josh asked, leaning away and looking at him suspiciously.

“N-No,” Ken said, because he really _wasn’t_. At least, not entirely. “I just… we haven’t seen each other in a while and I’m kind of… uhm…”

Josh rolled his head back, laughing. “Well, sir. May I remind you that you are in no condition to do any strenuous physical activity?”

Ken’s joints flared and his head throbbed in response, as if reminding him that he was indeed sick. And he didn’t want Josh to get whichever virus he had either. He sighed.

“Alright.” Ken hung his head in resignation.

Josh chuckled at him. The writer cupped Ken’s chin between his thumb and index finger. “Kissing is okay…”

“But what if you get sick, too?”

“I got flu shots this year. I think I’m good,” he said. “I might… also kind of miss you, too.”

“You’re not sure?” Ken asked, pretending to be hurt but leaning in closer.

“Hm… Wait, let me double check…” Josh said, smirking.

They kissed again, and Ken burned. It was a different kind of burn from the one made his joints and limbs ache. It was a fire that temporarily strengthened him, making him grab Josh’s shoulders and press him against the wall.

Josh chuckled, placating Ken’s hunger by deepening their kiss. His hand started playing with the hem of Ken’s shirt before going underneath to caress his side; Ken shivered upon contact. Eventually, his hand settled at Ken’s waist, teasing the elastic waistband of his shorts.

“Wait—” Ken said, breaking the kiss and pressing their foreheads together. “Is… touching okay?”

“Do _you_ think it is?”

“I’m serious here…” Ken whined when Josh flicked a thumb against his hipbone.

Josh laughed. “Well?”

Ken swallowed, his throat parched. He was feeling too hot for comfort, and he wanted to fight that fire with a different kind of fire. Ken stared intensely at his writer and squeezed his hand, guiding it just under his navel.

“Yes…”

Josh smiled. Then he peeled himself off and made his way towards the door.

“… Where are you going?”

“If there’s anything I learned in college,” he said and bolted the lock before smiling slyly at Ken, “it’s that you should always lock the dorm room.”

Josh walked back to him and crashed their lips together before straddling Ken between his legs. Ken started breathing heavily and the pressure of having Josh against him made his heart race in anticipation.

“You’re too warm…” Josh said, putting his hand on his forehead again. “You sure you’re okay?”

Ken just pulled Josh close and nuzzled the crook of Josh’s neck. “I can take it, just— _Please_ …”

“Haha, needy little kid.” Josh kissed his temple.

Josh unceremoniously pulled down his waistband and Ken exhaled. He hissed when he felt Josh’s palm running over his heated flesh, teasing. His writer’s hands were cold, making him shudder.

“You’re burning…” Josh said, suddenly grinding to a halt. Ken bit him on the neck to get him to continue. “ _Ouch_?!”

“ _Hurry_ …” he said, pulling Josh even closer.

“Wow, you’re demanding…”

Josh obliged anyway. He planted one arm on top of Ken’s shoulder for support while his hand started to move painfully slow. Ken closed his eyes as he focused on the feeling, breaths coming out in short and shallow pants.

“ _Mmh_ …” came Ken’s groan. As he did, his lips found a particularly beautiful vein on Josh’s neck. He let his tongue dart out to trace it, going upward until he was licking behind Josh’s ear.

“Ah… _Ken_ …” Josh exhaled appreciatively. His pace hastened just as Ken captured his lips in another hungry kiss.

The hairs at the back of Ken’s neck stood at the overwhelming sensations. How long had it been since they last touched? Ken couldn’t even remember; Josh doing things to him now was wreaking havoc in his muddled brain, causing him to lose all coherent thought. He could only grip Josh’s shirt tightly as they continued to kiss.

Josh suddenly jerked forward. Ken growled at the sudden pressure of him tightening his grip, making Ken tingle in all the right places.

Ken broke their kiss with a sharp inhale of air. “ _Josh_ , _I_ — _argh_ —!”

Josh started to stroke faster, making Ken roll his head back. He shut his eyes tightly when Josh grazed his teeth against his Adam’s apple. Electricity ran from his neck to his groin, threatening to spark an explosion.

“ _Ah_ , _f_ —” Ken yanked Josh closer as he bucked his hips. “Josh—”

“Got it…”

Josh pressed their bodies closer, and Ken felt the familiar tightness just as Josh ran the tip of his nose up and down Ken’s neck. His writer was relentless with his ministrations, pumping faster… and faster… until Ken came right onto their pressed bodies with an audible gasp.

His head spun at the release and his vision blacked out for a quick second.

Ken fell back against on the wall, limp, sweating, and a little shy that he came too quickly. Josh continued to stroke him, his pace slowing down. Ken shivered when he eventually stopped, the burning left pleasantly from his body. It was replaced by an intense warmth that made his toes curl.

As he caught his breath, Josh got off him to grab the wet tissues from the table nearby.

“Wait… you haven’t—”

“I’m fine…” Josh assured, kissing his forehead after he had cleaned him up. “You okay?”

“Yeah…” said Ken, eyes closing over themselves.

“Do you feel like eating?”

“That depends…” he replied, smiling. “Are you going to cook?”

“And kill you? _No way_!” Josh joked, wiping his hands and the sticky threads on his shirt. “I’ll text Red and order from the resort.”

“You’re friends with Red now?” Ken asked, eyeing him. He vividly remembered Josh breaking Red’s nose at one point.

Josh only shrugged as he started tapping away on his phone. “He’s a nice kid. A bit rough around the edges, but nice. He reminds me of myself when I was younger—don’t look at me like I just confessed my undying love for him.”

“I wasn’t trying to,” he said. “Sorry, my face just does weird expressions sometimes. They say that a lot at work, too.”

Josh gave him a mocking grin and pulled the blanket over him as he sat down.

“Hey, you never really talk to me about your work,” Josh said. He replaced the fever patch on Ken’s forehead with a new one. “Like… what kind of jobs have you been doing and who have you been doing them with?”

“Oh… well…” Ken stopped himself before the conversation circled back to his career decisions. _Not yet_ , he thought. “There’s not a lot to say… Can we talk about it next time? I’m kind of… tired…”

He watched as Josh fought back the disappointment on his face. But he still gave him an understanding smile and said, “Sure… but you have to eat, okay?”

“Yeah, I will…” The guilt rose to the back of his throat again, and he grabbed Josh’s smaller hand to squeeze it. “Uhm… can _you_ … talk?”

“Hm? About what?”

“Just say whatever…” He said this as he laid his forehead over Josh’s shoulder, closing his eyes and breathing Josh’s scent deeply to calm himself.

The writer sighed. Then after a while, he started, “Well, I was actually already thinking about a new plot…”

Josh started to explain to him the ins and outs of the universe he was already starting to flesh out. Once again, Ken realized how great a man his lover is. It was both a blessing and an insane amount of pressure that they had so much more differences than actual similarities; yet here Josh was, holding Ken’s hand while painting pictures in his mind.

_You’re amazing_ , Ken said in his head. It made him wonder what in the world Josh sees in him. He was yet a nobody—just the surfer boy who accidentally crossed paths with him and ended up ashore in Manila. Just the guy who was constantly catching up to Josh, and always coming up short.

“Are you asleep?” Josh asked him. When he didn’t respond, Josh sighed and patted his cheek. “What a baby…”

Someday, Ken thought, he would be able to tell Josh stories, too. Not like the story of their year apart, but stories of his own achievements and victories. Maybe then, Ken wouldn’t feel so bad about having to keep his career choices a secret from Josh.

The constant pounding on his temples made Ken flinch. All his thinking was starting to give him a headache on top of the burning underneath his skin and the aching of his joints. He tried to even out his breath, feeling Josh’s grip on his hand tighten a little.

Perhaps he should just sleep. Perhaps he would feel a bit better; and perhaps when he wakes up, he won’t feel as bad for himself anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm running and hiding. goodbye


	5. the writer from port to port

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> was supposed to be part of the previous chapter but that one was already 4000+ words, so this one might feel like a filler.
> 
> chapter contains: too much fluff for my taste; who the hell wrote this

**chapter four: the writer from port to port**

It took Ken a week to fully recover. The entire time, Josh took care of him and stayed. Ken would have felt like a burden if not for the fact that Josh also failed fabulously at doing the laundry without the washing machine and cooking. So in a way, as Josh cared for Ken, Ken did his part and took care of Josh, too.

Josh didn’t complain about the lack of fancy facilities in Ken’s room; he didn’t even seem to mind that he slept with Ken on a bed that could hardly hold the two of them. He just patiently moved about, always amused whenever he learned a thing or two about chores.

As Ken recovered over the week, Josh got into his writing. He spent his free time typing away on his laptop or scribbling down on his logbook until the wee hours of the morning. Ken would just watch him from the bed, awed at how diligently he does his craft. It was a reminder for Ken to work hard, too.

Far from Manila and from his concerns about his career, Ken felt like his tiny room was paradise. Part of him didn’t want to leave. But, like all things, the week passed, and he and Josh eventually found themselves standing at the boarding gate, waiting for their respective flights. Josh was going back to Manila, while Ken was headed to Davao for a workshop.

“Ask the agency to allow you to take less schedules, okay?” came Josh’s parting words. “Call them tonight.”

“Yeah… Yeah, I will,” Ken said.

“And… you have to stay hydrated,” Josh reminded him. “Drink the vitamins we bought. You’re not a hundred percent okay yet, so after your workshop we’ll go to the doctor…”

Josh looked around shyly then grabbed Ken’s hand to squeeze it tight. “You’ll be fine, won’t you?”

Ken didn’t know what kind of face he pulled, but he smiled widely and Josh blushed. “Yeah… Thanks.”

“‘Kay… bye,” said his lover, awkwardly letting go of his hand and standing in queue with the other Manila-bound passengers.

Ken’s mind couldn’t help but flashback to a year ago. He thought about what would have happened if Josh hadn’t run away. He wondered if things would turn out the same; if he would also seek out a way to improve himself for the sake of the day they met again.

But as Josh gave him a shy wave goodbye and he sheepishly waved back, Ken decided that the past didn’t matter as much as the present. Thinking about what would have happened wouldn’t help him much. He should only work on what he could in the now.

Josh eventually boarded, and Ken took a deep breath as he made his way to his own boarding gate. Then he focused on his workshop and the upcoming schedules he would be having for the next week.

* * *

> **From: Jamie  
>  Subj: Booking – M Fashion**
> 
> 7:06AM
> 
> Do you know Maius Tiu?  
> He specifically asked for you  
> and Jah to model for an upcoming  
> shoot. Text me back ASAP if  
> you want me to confirm  
> this. Jah already said yes.

Ken sighed. He really didn’t want to think about Maius at the moment, when he was still on cloud nine with domestic bliss from the week he has had.

Instead of replying, Ken just pocketed his phone and ignored the message.

* * *

The day passed uneventful. Ken was only assisting in the dance workshop so despite him not feeling completely okay, he thought he did well.

His task during workshops was to demonstrate the routine and help the lead instructor check how the group danced individually and as a unit. This wasn’t difficult at all, and the Davao batch was particularly eager. They were quiet whenever he steps to the front and were very attentive while he demonstrates.

The younger female trainees were especially kind to him. They kept calling him “Kuya Ken” and were keen on helping him throughout the workshop. At dinnertime, they sat close to him at the barbeque restaurant and attended to his needs; especially after they found that he had just recovered from flu.

“So, yeah...” Ken explained curtly, “I’m okay…”

_“Wow,”_ Josh said over the phone, unimpressed. “Sounds like they’re getting friendly with you.”

“They’re nice, right?” Ken said, beaming. “They even bought me sports drinks since they said it was better.”

“Hm… nice of them… women?”

“Yeah… college girls. Nice kids…”

“Ah, I see.”

Josh sounded disinterested, which Ken thought was weird. “Is something wrong?”

“No, not _yet_ … Anyway, shouldn’t you be getting back to dinner?”

As if on cue, one of the female trainees shouted, “Kuya Ken!” and beckoned him back to their seat.

Ken looked over his shoulder to the group on the long table. The trainees were gesturing for him to join them as they continued eating. He only smiled and signaled that he would catch up.

“Nah, it’s fine. Let’s talk some more about your day…” he said.

“Uhm…” Josh grunted, and Ken could hear him moving in between the sheets. He must already be in bed, and Ken already felt the longing to go to him. “Well, they’re giving me some award at my alma mater for Literary Week. I’m going to have to give some sort of Ted Talk. So, yeah… that’s making me nervous.”

_Amazing_ , Ken thought. Josh was still quite young, but he was already being given such recognition. It was like the universe felt the need to remind Ken that his writer was an incredibly talented man. He was both proud and a little pressured at the reaffirmation.

“That’s… cool. But why are you nervous?”

“Because there’ll be a lot of _people_!” Josh groaned. “And my old profs will be there. God knows they’ll be watching out for every single thing I say until I eventually mess up.”

“They sound scary… I bet you’re already preparing for it.”

“Well, I am… I need to research a bit more but I’m still kind of anxious. I have about three weeks to make everything— _God_ , this is stressing me out!”

Ken laughed and wanted to hug him. “It’s a good thing it’s still three weeks away, huh?”

“Yeah, it is. But I’m stressed about it _now_ ,” Josh said, sighing over the phone. But Ken was sure he was smiling.

“I know you’re gonna impress them anyway— _yep_ , _I’m coming_!” Ken covered the receiver as he answered the trainees who were calling him.

“Was that them again?” Josh sounded… like he was annoyed. Then, he said, “Holy smokes! It’s ten PM, Ken. You have to eat!”

“Oh… right, right. Okay, then. I’ll see you soon?”

Josh chuckled, as if there was a joke Ken wasn’t getting in on. “Sooner than you think. What time is your flight tomorrow?”

“Around eight? But they’ll take me to the airport at six in the morning. So I'll probably be in Manila at around ten or eleven.”

“Got it… Now, eat. Don’t forget your meds, okay? And rest up.”

“Yes, boss,” Ken said, laughing. He turned to his companions again when they called out to him the third time. He didn’t even notice the goofy look on his face as he answered them. “Uhm… Good night, Josh.”

“Good night… _Kuya_ Ken.”

Josh suddenly dropped the call, not even giving time for Ken to process the sarcastic way he spoke. Ken only blinked at the screen, his ears tingling nicely with the way Josh called him ‘ _kuya_ ’…

What was up with that?

* * *

The next morning, Ken was taken to the airport by some of the trainees at the workshop. They were cheerful and loud despite the early hour, but they seemed to really care about Ken to go as a group and see him off at the airport.

Two girls were particularly mindful of him. One small sneeze, and they were already crowding around him as they led him past the airport grounds that cold morning.

“Kuya Ken, are you okay? Are you still sick?” said one of them.

“ _Hala_ , you probably still have colds…!” said the other.

Ken sweat-dropped and with rubbed his nose. “Nah, I’m fine. It’s because it’s morning.”

“Oh, you should take medicine, Kuya Ken.”

“Haha, I will. Thanks, guys.” They stopped at the bottom of the staircase right across the airport entrance. Adjusting his backpack, Ken turned to them and said with a smile, “Well, you can leave me here. We don’t want your friends to keep waiting in the car.”

The two girls looked at each other then back to him. “Can we take a picture?”

Ken was confused. “Huh? Why?”

“For remembrance,” they said.

“Uh… sure,” he replied, and they immediately stood at his sides, grabbed his arms, and posed for a picture. Ken didn’t know what kind of face he pulled, but they seemed satisfied with the way it turned out; he just felt awkward. “Uhm… was that okay?”

“Yes!” they said. “Thank you, Kuya Ken.”

“N-No problem… I’ll leave now… Uh, see you…”

Ken gave them both a quick hug before he waved goodbye. As he turned his back, he was still processing what had happened. People were fond of taking his pictures, which both amused and confused him. 

Ken was still thinking about it as he crossed the pedestrian lane towards the barricade.

“You seem happy?”

The voice made Ken look up, and he felt his lips stretch into a full smile that probably revealed his crooked teeth. Josh, who was supposed to be in Manila, was loitering outside the barricade, carrying the same duffel bag he used in Surigao.

“ _Josh_?!”

Ken was probably donning a dumb expression, smiling from ear to ear. Josh looked at his surprised face triumphantly.

“What… are you doing here?” Ken asked, hastening his pace towards his writer. He stopped right in front of Josh, still grinning. “When did you get here?”

“I was thinking you might actually die before you reached the airport, so once I got to Manila I immediately booked another flight to Davao. Got here last night,” Josh explained.

So when they were talking the night before, Josh was already in Davao? He was so worried about Ken that he spared no expense and traveled back to the other end of the country?

As far as Ken knew, Josh was someone people saw and described as regal but brusque. He was as eccentric as eccentric came. That he had a loving and caring side which Ken experienced firsthand was… overwhelming. Ken had to summon every bit of self-control he had not to pull Josh into a hug.

“Look at the face you’re making,” Josh said. “Surprised?”

“ _Very_ ,” he said, his hand eventually making their way to grab the tips of Josh’s fingers. 

Josh glanced behind Ken, furrowing his eyebrows. “Stop smiling like that. No wonder those girls are so smitten… I leave you alone for one day and already—”

“Oh, no! They were…” Ken’s voice trailed off. He felt warmth in his chest, still wrapping his head around the fact that Josh was right there. He sniffed. “It’s just that I’m glad you’re here…”

Josh rolled his eyes but gave him a toothy grin. “Sappy dork…” Then, Josh put his hand on Ken’s jacket sleeve. “Come on. You’re still sniffling and it’s cold. Let’s get inside?”

Ken pursed his lips to stop himself from smiling wider. “Yeah… okay…”

* * *

They breezed through the security checks and managed to ask for seats right next to each other on the plane. Making their way to the lounge, Josh chose a seat far from the other passengers, and Ken sat beside him in comfortable silence.

“Hey, I’m going to buy coffee. Do you want anything to drink?” Josh asked him.

“Uhm, sure,” Ken answered, distracted by the buzzing of his phone. “Something sweet, maybe?”

Josh nodded, patting his knee. “I’ll be back.” Then he started to walk towards one of the airport stores. Meanwhile, Ken flipped his phone over and saw that Jamie had messaged him again.

> **From: Jamie  
>  Subj: Booking – M Fashion**
> 
> Yesterday 7:06AM
> 
> Do you know Maius Tiu?  
> He specifically asked for you  
> and Jah to model for an upcoming  
> shoot. Text me back ASAP if  
> you want me to confirm  
> this. Jah already said yes.

> 7:10AM
> 
> You’ve had 24 hours.  
> Still not answering???

_Right_ , Ken thought. There was still this message that he ignored. He should have known he wouldn’t be able to put it off for a long time. He sighed.

Maius Tiu. Even his name was fancy. Ken guessed there were just people in the world who had everything; and then there were people like Ken who needed to work thrice as hard just to prove their worth. Ken sighed as he stared at Jamie’s message.

While part of Ken was still a little sour at Maius and Josh’s past, there was a larger, more dominant part of him that was amazed. Ken was awed that such perfect people as Mauis and Josh existed, and that Ken got to be in the same room as them. He wanted to learn from them. He wanted to succeed, too; and maybe then, he could consider himself as equal to them... to Josh.

Also, a possible international client only a year after Ken started working? The opportunity was too good to pass up.

Ken checked his tentative schedule for the next month that Jamie had sent him. It was just about as hectic as his past two months. Adding Maius’ shoot would definitely give him less time to breathe and rest for the week it was scheduled.

He became nervous again, partly because he had agreed to take less work. Ken didn’t think Josh would be happy with an addition to his already hectic timetable… But Ken wanted to do it. He wanted to do it all. The nagging feeling of wanting to succeed in his career urged him, making him restless. It reminded him that he still had a long way to go; and even farther if he wanted to be in league with Josh.

With that in mind, Ken decided he would make time. Josh didn't need to know. And what Josh doesn't know wouldn’t hurt him, right?

Ken swallowed the anxiety as he typed his response:

> **To: Jamie  
>  Subj: Re: Booking – M Fashion**
> 
> 7:15AM
> 
> i can make it with my schedule,  
> right? if we can squeeze it in,  
> i want to do it. thanks, jamie.  
> labyu

“Hey, I got you hot coffee with lots of sugar…”

Ken almost jumped in surprise at Josh’s sudden appearance. In a bout of panic, Ken held his phone closely to his chest to keep Josh from seeing it. This earned him a suspicious stare from the writer.

“Something up?” Josh asked, eyebrows furrowing at the center of his forehead. He calmly took his seat and handed Ken the hot paper cup with liquid gold.

“N-Nothing,” Ken replied. He hoped that his face didn’t betray the strange feeling of guilt he was feeling. He pocketed his phone and took the warm cup in his hands.

Josh kept watching him for a second before sighing and backing off. They sat quietly again, this time an awkward silence lingering between them that Ken didn’t mean to be there.

_Sorry_ , Ken thought, but he didn’t know how to say it the way he wanted to.

Ken just leaned sideways to Josh so their shoulders touched. In response, Josh took a deep breath… and then replied with a nudge of his own. They both smiled, and then returned to just sitting there quietly, drinking coffee.

They were okay… for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here comes the angst.


	6. the writer walks away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am honestly scared of this chapter. must have re-written this ten times.
> 
> contains: heavy narrations; rain again; angst… angst… angst

**chapter five: the writer walks away**

> **From: Surfer Boy  
>  Subj: Re: Speaking Engagement**
> 
> 8:38AM
> 
> sorry, i won’t make it. am   
> still traveling and would   
> prolly get back by this   
> afternoon? but i'll cheer   
> for you from the bus.   
> blow them away!!!  
>   
> 

> 8:40AM  
> can i come by tonight tho?

Josh sighed as he re-read Ken’s message. There it was again. That nausea that made him feel uneasy.

‘ _can i come by tonight tho?’_ Josh pouted. If past behavior were an indicator, Ken would ‘come by’ and fall asleep without so much as a ‘how was your day’ because he would be so tired.

Ken has been working non-stop, even after he got the flu. If Josh counted the hours, Ken would have spent more time in transit or working than at home to rest. He worked constantly; as a result, he was always sleepy and tired. What bothered Josh the most was that his surfer boy had significantly lost weight in a short amount of time.

However, Ken never said anything about it. In fact, he doesn’t volunteer information whenever Josh asks. And when he does say something, he doesn’t say specific details. There was either a secret that he didn’t like talking about or he didn’t think it was Josh’s business.

It was even harder since Ken became so good at distracting Josh from the topic… specifically, with his kisses and his touch. Josh, ever so eager, lets himself get distracted every time. He would be lying if he said that he wasn’t secretly enjoying the little game they played; it was just that he was growing increasingly frustrated and worried.

Josh has wanted to talk to Ken seriously about what was happening, but he couldn’t find the right timing. And he was scared at the prospect of a confrontation. Josh knew his fuse was short when it came to arguments, and Ken being non-confrontative by nature would probably make any sort of discussion difficult.

If only Ken became more open, less secretive; maybe the anxiety Josh was feeling would go away. Because his mind had been coming up with theory after theory of what was going on, only to get frustrated because Ken would not, for the life of him, say anything.

Josh sighed. He hated that he sucked at this. Hated that he was out of his depths when it came to talking to the one person who mattered. Was there a way to do this communication and relationship thing right? Josh didn’t know.

In the past, he had sworn he wouldn’t bother with a committed relationship in the first place because he had no patience to deal with another person’s issues… until Ken, that is. The way his surfer boy came and turned his life upside-down was both the best and most painful thing that happened to him. And why that seemed beautiful to Josh was a mystery.

There was a knock on the door, and Josh was brought back to the small waiting room of his alma mater’s Conference Hall. He looked towards the door and saw that the student usherette had cracked it open slightly, peeking inside to look at him waiting on the lone couch.

“Mr. Santos, sir?” she said. “The program will be starting in a few minutes, so if you could just come with me, please?”

“Okay. I’ll just send a message and come right away,” Josh said, waving his phone at her.

Josh looked at Ken’s message again and sighed. Without anything better to say, Josh just typed:

> **To: Surfer Boy  
>  Subj: Re: Speaking Engagement**
> 
> 8:57AM
> 
> Okay. See you tonight.

* * *

Surprisingly, his talk ended well. Josh didn’t panic halfway through it, as he would have had if it had happened two years back. And despite the cold sweats and the trembling in his voice at the beginning, he was able to pull off the lecture for twenty minutes without anyone secretly sleeping on their seats.

Josh felt accomplished. He had never been a fan of extravagant public speeches, but giving a lecture was a different kind of satisfaction.

“Josh Cullen Santos,” said one of his professors once everyone started leaving after lunch. The skinny old man whom Josh had come to look up to as a mentor approached him with kingly elegance that betrayed his thin frame. His eyes were lined with wrinkles and crow’s feet as he smiled. “So, the wayward son of the Literature Department returns.”

Josh immediately stood up. He may not have been the nicest student in college, but he respected his professors… even if most of them scoffed at his talent and his achievements.

“Sir,” Josh greeted, taking his mentor’s bony hand in his. “Thank you for welcoming me back. How has retirement been treating you?”

His professor laughed. "It's given me more time to write my books… _and_ read new ones. _'The Boy Lost at Sea_ ', wasn’t it?"

"Ah... erm... yes. I didn't know you already read it."

"You may have not been the most agreeable student, Santos," his mentor started, "but you were definitely one of the brightest. That book took me back to your old college essays, to be honest. But more vivid… and less angsty."

Josh felt shy. He had received both good and bad feedback about his books but hearing compliments from his former teacher and mentor outweighed many of them. It made him think that despite everything, he had grown as a writer… and as a person, too, perhaps.

"Would it get a B+, you think?"

"More like an A… _minus_ ," he said. “I’m proud of how far you’ve come, Santos. It’s great to see my former students grow in their respective paths.”

“I… thank you. I try.”

His professor considered Josh for a moment, and smiling, said, "You know, with my retirement, there’s been an opening for a temporary teaching position in the department. I think we could use young blood and talent like yours."

It took Josh a few seconds to take in what his professor said. He just stared at him in surprise. "Oh… I don't… think I'm qualified, sir."

The old man laughed, then connivingly whispered, "Do you know how many dirtbags teach in the department without a single published book? Or at least the skills to teach how to write it?"

Josh snickered involuntarily. "… Sir. What if they hear you?"

"I'm retired! What can they do to me?" he exclaimed. "I'll recommend you. What do you say, Santos?"

"Uhm… can I think about it, sir?"

His mentor chuckled. "You can, but I'm still going to float your name in the nomination." The old man looked at Josh straight in the eyes with as much warmth as Josh imagined a proud father would look at his son. "We need better educators, Santos. You have the makings of one, so I hope you consider it."

_I think you would have made a great teacher_ , came his surfer boy's voice in Josh's head. His mind flashed back to the conversation they had when Ken tried to convince him of the same thing. He imagined the captivating wonky-toothed smile on Ken’s face. If Josh told him about the offer, would Ken be happy for him?

Just imagining the bliss on his face made Josh smile.

"Okay, prof... I’ll think about it."

His mentor patted him on both shoulders and then bid him goodbye, leaving Josh with a lot to think about. _Teaching, huh_? Josh had always wanted to try it. Sure, he wasn't the most sociable or patient person; and while he had a way with words on paper, he wasn't so sure about how they would translate once they left his mouth.

However, Josh felt a lot more confident now. Still a little abrasive and blunt, but more self-aware. Perhaps teaching would mean he could take his storytelling a step further. It would eat up some of his time, but he’d learn. The more he thought about it, the more Josh looked forward to trying.

Where he got the boldness and risk-taking behavior, he could only guess. All Josh knew was that this time, he can be less scared as the takes a leap because someone would be cheering him on… someone other than Jun and Stell. That’s why Josh could not wait until he went home and told Ken, if only to see the proud look on his face.

That is, _if_ they even get to talk in the first place.

* * *

“Is it raining?” Josh asked him as soon as he opened the door.

Ken nodded as he entered, shaking off the large droplets of rain that had begun to dampen his hood and his backpack. “It started raining on my way here. Freaking cold—” he sneezed, as if to emphasize.

“Well, get out of that jacket,” Josh said, beckoning him toward the living room. Ken took off his hoodie and sat down on the long couch as Josh put his backpack away. “Have you eaten?”

“Yup. I had a sandwich earlier,” he replied as he lay on the couch. “I’m actually just really tired…”

Josh sat near where his head was and lightly punched his arm. “Hey, don’t fall asleep on the couch. If you want to sleep, you should bathe first then sleep properly in the bedroom.”

“Will you join me in the bath?” Ken said, gazing up to him with a naughty grin.

Josh grimaced, ignoring the insinuation. “If it gets you to sleep earlier, I will…” There was concern written on his face as he traced Ken’s collarbone with his fingertips. “You lost weight… _again_.”

“You think so?” Ken wriggled closer so his forehead was touching Josh's leg. He closed his eyes, his writer’s scent filling his lungs and causing him to relax.

“Yeah, I do. Your bones are more prominent now. That's not good, you know? If you lose any more weight, you'd be a skeleton.”

He smiled. "That's too much. I'd say malnourished."

"It's not funny, Ken." There was sternness in Josh's voice that made him open his eyes too look deeply into his writer's beady black ones.

The way Josh looked at him made Ken feel little guilty. For one, he had been bad company for the past few months. He doesn’t miss the way Josh would be a little disgruntled whenever he cancelled their plans or fell asleep unknowingly. He wanted to make it up to his writer, but… he didn’t know where to start.

The other reason was that he knew Josh had been trying to talk him out of his schedules. Ken had been intentionally avoiding the topic because he knew Josh would disagree and be mad. It was only for a little while, anyway; until his career became more stable.

"… Sorry," Ken started, looking away. He felt a little bad for himself that he didn’t have better words to explain. “But… I really _am_ fine…”

" _For now_..." Josh said. "I keep telling you to ask for fewer bookings… You were sick just a few weeks ago, and I know you still have a mild cough."

"Uhm… okay…"

"You keep saying ‘okay’, but you're still working like a horse..." Ken snorted at the metaphor, earning him another light punch on the shoulder. "Ken, I'm serious...!"

"I know, I know," he said. He could hear Josh starting to get a little bit annoyed, so Ken redirected the conversation. "Hey, how was your talk today?"

Josh's voice brightened as he exclaimed, " _Oh_!" A wide smile appeared on his face and he clapped his hands together. "I have news, by the way. Or... well, I'm still thinking about it but..."

"Okay?" Ken said. His writer’s eyes sparkled, as they usually do whenever Josh talked about things that excited or amused him. "What happened?"

“So, I met up with my old mentor from college. Favorite Lit professor. The best critic I’ve ever had…”

“And?”

“And he said—because he’s retired, right—he said that they had an opening for a temporary teaching position at the department…”

Ken was just about to close his eyes, but as Josh said the statement they opened on their own. There were butterflies in his stomach again; the kind that made him feel scared and want to run away.

“So, he asked me if I wanted to take it,” Josh said excitedly, hysteria in his voice. “And you remember we were just talking about me teaching a few weeks back? I’m thinking of trying it out… I mean it’s way out of my comfort zone but it might be worth a shot, right?”

Suddenly, Josh was talking too loud and too fast. Ken slowly sat up, trying hard to take in everything. Was it because he was tired that he felt this way? Or maybe because it was such a sudden sucker punch and he couldn’t brace himself for the impact of the news?

Have months of tirelessly working finally come to this: the revelation that he would never do enough?

“Hey… what’s up?” came Josh’s question, his smile slowly being replaced with concern.

Ken felt as if the world had stopped turning for few seconds. His mind was in chaos. He wanted to kiss his writer senseless because he was proud of him making another significant career move; and he also wanted to cry at how unfair it is that he worked so hard but he still didn’t feel like he was getting anywhere.

But mostly, Ken just felt a crippling and cold fear envelop him. It was like watching his own efforts disappoint him, making him question if he had been doing enough, or if he would ever get to the point where he would stand equal with Josh. In his mind’s eye, he could see his writer looking back at him from afar, walking ever so slowly forward… while Ken himself was still far behind.

He opened his mouth to say something, but he realized he didn’t know what to say. Ken just bit his lip, feeling overwhelmed and scared at the same time.

“Ken…?”

Ken tried to smile, reaching for his writer’s hands while his own trembled. “It’s nothing—”

Josh pulled his hand back. “It’s not ‘ _nothing’_ , obviously. You don’t look happy about this?”

“I am… Believe me, I am. It’s just—”

“It’s _what_ …?”

Ken couldn’t say anything, and the way Josh’s face twisted into a look of suspicion scared him from talking even more.

“Is it about the offer? Don’t you want me to take it?”

“No…! I’m glad they offered you a teaching job. This isn’t… it’s hard to explain…”

“Hey… I want to understand but you’ve got to help me out here…” Josh said, his voice straining and his eyebrows knitting in the middle.

Ken’s brain seemed to shut down as Josh started to become insistent. “Please—”

“‘Please’ what, Ken?” he asked, his voice loud and trembling like he was fighting back the urge to scream. “‘Please’ _what_?!”

“Calm down, Josh! Why are you shouting?” Ken’s voice started to rise, too; no words came up in his head and all he wanted to do was embrace Josh, if only he wouldn’t look so mad.

“Well, I’m _sorry_ that I want to talk about whatever this is that’s bothering you. But we’ve been tiptoeing around this topic for _months_ …! I tried waiting for you to tell me, okay? Just in case it’s nothing _actually_ important, but it’s obviously not!”

Ken could only swallow, paralyzed and robbed of his own thoughts.

“I know that _something_ been going on with you. I’m not stupid, Ken—”

“I didn’t _say_ you were—” he cut himself off, words tumbling in his head but not coming up as anything coherent.

“Then what—?”

Ken’s head was spinning, his fear growing by the minute as he watched Josh get more and more angry. Ken could see the deep hurt and confusion in Josh’s expressive eyes.

He never meant it to turn this way. Ken only wanted to get closer to this beautiful genius; but why did it feel as if he wasn’t getting anywhere? Why did everything he had been doing was for nothing if Josh was just going to walk ahead anyway?

“ _What is it_ , _Ken_? What are you trying to say?” Josh asked him again, interrupting his already chaotic thoughts. “Just tell me so I can—”

“It’s about _work_ —” he started; but before he could continue, Josh followed up with a question of his own.

“What about work?”

“I’m… working hard but…”

“But…?”

“It’s like…” Ken paused, not knowing how to put into words what he was thinking and feeling. “It’s hard to explain…”

“Why?”

“I don’t know…”

“What do you mean, you ‘don’t know’?”

“I just don’t know, okay?” he almost yelled, because at that point he really didn’t know anymore. Why was he doing this again? Why was he working so hard?

He put his head in his hands and had the urge to pull out his hair.

“How can you _not_ know?!” Josh asked, his voice incredulous and loud as if he had heard the lamest excuse anyone could give him.

“I just… _don’t_ know, okay?” Ken pleaded, matching the volume of Josh’s voice. “I don’t—I don’t always know what to say! I’m not— _like_ you.”

“Oh, so this is about _me_?” Josh asked, throwing his hands in the air and standing up in frustration.

“That’s not what—Josh, _please_ , sit down…!”

Ken was able to grab Josh’s wrists. He held them loosely in his hands and looked up at his writer, silently pleading.

Josh was silent for a little while then sighed. Ken waited for him to say something; but at the same time, he feared what Josh would say next.

“You know what? This… We can’t do this now…” Josh said with finality before he gave Ken an apologetic look.

Josh took a deep breath, pulled his hands back from Ken’s grip, and started to walk up the stairs. Ken followed suit, wondering what he was doing.

When they got to the bedroom, Josh hurriedly grabbed his backpack and jacket. Ken froze by the door, just standing there, as Josh zipped his bag shut and slung it over his shoulder.

“Get out of the way, Ken. I’m _begging_ you,” Josh asked when Ken blocked his way out the door.

“Josh… let’s talk about this—” Ken reached up a hand to touch Josh, but his writer held up his palm to stop him.

“Ken, look at us! We _can’t_ talk like this… _I_ can’t talk like this,” Josh said firmly. There was also a hint of a plea in his voice. “I need… to think.”

Josh forced his way through the gap between Ken and the door, hastily making his way down the stairs. Ken’s feet were rooted where he stood for a few seconds before he regained enough sense to go after his writer.

“ _But, Josh_!”

“Ken, _stop_! _Please_ ,” Josh said, his hand already grabbing the main door’s handle. “I’m too mad and too confused. So, _please_ , give me time to think!”

Thunder clapped outside as the two fell silent. Ken distinctly remembered that it had been raining back then, too; right before Josh decided to leave Ken a year ago. A sick feeling rose to the back of his throat and Ken fought back a whimper.

_Please don’t go_. _Please don’t leave_ …! He screamed in his head, but he couldn’t find the voice to ask.

“I’m… _sorry_ …” came his pitiful whisper instead.

“I’m sorry, too,” said Josh. His eyes showing exhaustion and defeat. “You can stay here if you want, but I need to be someplace else. Don’t go looking for me.”

Josh took a step toward Ken as if wanting to approach him, but then stopped himself. He just sighed then turned towards the door.

Ken watched as Josh went out, the door creaking shut with a gentle click behind him. It was dead silent, the walls muffling the sound of the storm outside. Ken could only lean on the wall… and he cried silently by the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter has been very difficult to write TT^TT i don’t know how to effectively execute a fight scene where characters are not ooc, so i appreciate feedback on this. thank you for your comments.


	7. understanding the writer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let June 28 be the day that josh and ken finally make up. hallelujah!
> 
> chapter contains: gonna be a long ride (almost 4000 words); angst; maius; and slight stelljun

**chapter six: understanding the writer**

Rain, coffee cups after dinner, and a movie while snuggling close to the love of his life. Jun couldn’t think of a better way to spend Friday nights than that moment as he leaned over Stell’s chest, his lover reaching up to comb his fingers through his hair.

After three years together, Jun didn’t think it was possible for them to be that happy and content. Sure, they’ve been through rough patches but they made sure to work through them together. Clichéd as it sounded, the hard times made their relationship stronger.

Yes, Jun was perfectly satisfied just sitting there. He had a few worries, for sure; but, at least, one of his biggest concerns was finally addressed when surfer boy Ken came into the picture and dragged his best friend out of the dark and lonely place he was in.

Josh had been too shy to talk about his relationship with Ken, but Jun assumed that they were just as happy as he and Stell were. The thought made him smile.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Stell said, planting a kiss at the top of his head.

“I was just wondering how Josh and Ken have been doing,” Jun replied to him. “It’s been a while since we last saw them together.”

“Oh…!” Stell exclaimed. “Love, we should invite them over for dinner again. Just here at home. What do you say?”

“That’s a great idea—hold on, someone’s at the door.”

Jun peeled himself off Stell when he heard someone knocking. He placed his cup on the coffee table and skipped merrily toward the entryway. Looking through the peephole, Jun saw a man in a black hooded jacket and a backpack, waiting outside their apartment.

The air was cold when Jun opened the door, even in his sweater he could feel the wind bite against his skin. Jun wasn’t surprised to see that their guest was shaking from head to toe, drenched in the rain. His lips were pale, and his eyes were red and puffy, like he had been crying.

Before Jun could say anything, the man asked in a voice that trembled, “Is Josh here?”

“ _Oh_ , _my God_. _Ken_!” cried Jun, and he hurriedly grabbed their visitor by the arm to pull him into the warmth of the apartment. “Stell? Love? Something warm and dry, please?”

Stell’s footsteps came towards them. “Is it Ken? What’s up— _oh_!”

Stell only needed to look at Jun to know what he meant. Stell smiled. Was it because they had been together for years that they were already so in sync with their emotions? Jun would have to ponder on it later, because the way Ken’s teeth chattered against each other worried him.

“He’s cold…” Jun said, smiling.

Stell nodded. “I’ll be back.”

“Thanks…” Jun turned to Ken. “Hey, what’s going on? Why did you come here without an umbrella?”

Ken had his hands shoved inside the pockets of his jacket. Jun took his hood down, and at that moment Ken turned his gaze to the floor. “… I messed up, Jun…”

There was a lost look on Ken’s face that pinched at Jun’s heart. Only one person could affect him that way, and Jun was suddenly worried about his best friend.

“Ken, what happened? Is it about Josh?”

Stell walked in right as Jun was about to usher Ken to the living room. Stell put a hand on Jun’s shoulder and shook his head.

“Love, let him dry off first. Then, you can talk, okay?” said Stell. He then wrapped a towel around Ken. “What do you say, pal?”

Ken nodded, letting Stell drape an arm around his shoulder and lead him to the direction of the bathroom.

_They must have fought_ , Jun guessed. And for Ken to run mindlessly to Jun and Stell’s apartment in the rain must mean that it was something huge. Jun sighed, unsure if he should tell his friend to collect his lover or leave him alone for the moment. He knew Josh was difficult to handle when he disengages.

Jun just settled for making Ken a hot cup of coffee. He brought it with him as he waited in the living room, turning the TV off, until Ken and Stell re-emerged from the corner. Ken had changed into Stell’s dry clothes, but he still managed to look like a kicked puppy. He sat on the seat adjacent to Jun with his hands together and a pained look on his face.

Stell put a reassuring hand on Jun’s shoulder and said, “I’ll be in the bedroom.” Then, he kissed Jun’s forehead before leaving the two of them to talk.

“What happened?” Jun started with the gentlest voice he could manage. He pushed the cup of coffee closer to Ken, but the other ignored it. “What were you saying about Josh?”

“I messed up…” he said, repeating the same thing that he said earlier.

“Did you fight?” Ken nodded. “What about?”

“It’s my fault,” he immediately said, sighing. He crossed his arms around his chest. “I should have said something, but I—”

“Hey,” Jun said, placing a hand on his shoulder. “No one’s blaming anyone here. Let’s talk about what happened first, okay?”

Ken nodded. He began to tell Jun about how their afternoon started off well but ended up a disaster. How he felt that Josh was slowly advancing in his career, and he didn’t feel like he was catching up; how he couldn’t find the words to say; how they were both almost shouting at each other.

Ken was beating himself up over it, feeling like he should have done this or that. He explained a little bit about his own fears about work and Josh getting far ahead. As he talked, Jun became confused at why Ken didn’t just come clean with Josh.

But Jun slowly realized that Ken wasn’t the most eloquent person when it came to his own emotions. Jun saw how he struggled to put his thoughts into words. He needed a lot of follow-up questions just so he could get to the point and say what he was thinking. Jun could only imagine how that must have frustrated Josh, and how Ken would have found it hard to explain when Josh became interrogating.

At the end of his story, Ken gave Jun a lost look. He was confused, overwhelmed, and worried.

“I know Josh…” Jun said, sighing. “I’ve been his friend for a long time. Trust me when I say that he knows how to hide. So, when he says don’t look for him, it’s because you won’t find him.”

Ken looked down.

“Josh… is a little short-tempered. It doesn’t justify him being an ass and throttling you as he did; but know that he just doesn’t have that much patience with people who beat around the bush.”

“I guess… I really should have tried to explain, huh?”

Jun shook his head. “No offense, but you’re kind of confusing to talk to. You’re so overwhelmed that you’re stammering, and you can’t even say what you mean without going round in circles. To be honest, you would only have angered him more in your state. That… might be part of the reason why he walked out.

“I’m not saying that he did the right thing by running away,” Jun said, raising both his hands in surrender. “All I’m saying is that Josh must have sensed nothing good would come out of a conversation where both of you are emotional.”

Ken stared pensively at the floor. “When he got really mad… I… didn’t know what to do.”

“Oh, I’ve seen plenty of Josh being angry over the years,” Jun commented. “And he’s scary when he’s mad. It must have shocked you to see him like that.”

“Yeah… I didn’t… think he’d get like that when he’s angry,” Ken said, nodding. “I chickened out… now he’s…”

“Hey, I’m sure Josh is just taking some time to breathe,” Jun assured him, “but he’ll calm down. Just give him a little bit of time right now.”

“How many days does that take?” he asked.

Unfortunately, Jun didn’t have an answer. So, he shrugged and said, “I can’t say for sure. But you can wait a bit, right…?”

“Of course…” Ken said, and that was all the assurance Jun needed.

Jun adored the look on Ken’s face at that moment and knew that surfer boy was indeed madly in love with Josh. True, they would need more than just feelings to stay in a relationship, but at least Ken seemed to be in it for the long run. Unlike most of the people who pursued Josh, Ken wanted him as a person; not just a face or a body.

Maybe it was because Ken was young and had only known Josh for a little while that it was too soon to say if he understood Josh as much as Jun did. It made sense for him to flounder and be shocked at seeing a new side of his lover. Josh, on the other hand, was a little difficult to uncover because he had too many layers to his personality.

“Please understand that Josh might look like he’s got it all figured out, but in reality, he really is just as scared of things as the next person,” Jun started.

Ken looked at him questioningly. “What do you mean?”

“Josh had… a complicated past when it comes to relationships,” he replied, choosing his words carefully to make sure Ken understood.

“There’s a reason why Josh is so guarded. When I met him, he’d been through countless—you should’ve known when you dated him—flings that he didn’t bother to take any step further…” Ken looked at Jun like he wanted more details on the ‘countless flings’, but Jun ignored him.

Instead, he continued, “He seemed to me like the type who gets easily attached but feared… shall I say… _abandonment_.” Jun locked gazes with him. “He’s very good at watching for the small things that make him think that someone is leaving him. So, before they do, he breaks things off.”

Ken’s eyes widened, a guilty look on his face.

“When you guys had that incident last year, a part of me thought Josh cut ties with you because he was afraid of getting to the point where he became too attached too early,” Jun explained. “The way I saw it, he risked the pain of leaving you because it was much more bearable than you leaving him… or something like that.”

“But I… would never leave him,” Ken told him like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Well… unless he wants me to…”

Jun nodded at him. “He’s grown over the year. The fact that he didn’t just break things off with you now tells me he’s fighting for this,” he said. “But I think he also needs to hear what you told me just now…”

“I’ll… try.”

Ken looked like he was having difficulty digesting everything at the moment. With the day he’s had, Jun could understand. But, at least, he seemed to be thinking about what he needed to do.

“Ken…” Jun said calmly, hoping Ken would feel the weight of his next words, “You matter to Josh a lot so… please be patient with him…”

Ken looked down again. But there was a small smile and a light blush that made its way to his face. “He matters to me, too.”

“Then think about how to properly tell him your side, okay?” Jun sighed and stood up. “Now, I’m going to get some pillows and a blanket. It’s still raining so you should stay the night.”

“Jun—” Ken called as he started walking to the bedroom. Jun turned back to see a hopeful look on Ken’s face. He said, “Does… Is there anything more I should do?”

Jun thought for a quick second before giving Ken a small smile, saying, “Not alone.”

Then he turned his back and left surfer boy to his own thoughts.

* * *

Ken couldn’t sleep. He has not been getting proper rest for the past few months, but everything that Jun told him about his writer kept Ken’s mind awake even more. He lay on Jun’s couch just thinking about what he should do.

He brought his phone to his face and stared at the screen. Should he call Josh? Or send a message, at least? Ken was scared that he would hear the same hurt in Josh’s voice as earlier. But he wanted to make sure he was okay… that they were okay.

Ken typed ‘josh?’ on his phone, watched the cursor blink for a few seconds, before tapping on the send button. When it had been sent, Ken’s heart beat in his chest, wondering if Josh was awake or if he was just as restless as Ken. He sincerely hoped Josh wasn’t as angry anymore, and that he was safe and warm.

The reply came almost instantly. It read:

> **From: Josh :)  
> ** **Subj: Re: josh?**
> 
> 12:01AM  
> I’m fine. Give me a few days.

Ken’s fingers hovered over the screen as he thought about explaining himself one sentence at a time, but he remembered what Jun had said. Josh was probably still thinking about things. He was awake, and that must have meant he was also thinking about their argument, right? And it must have meant that he would eventually come around.

If there was one thing that Ken learned in their time apart, it was that he could wait for Josh. He waited for more than a year; he could take a few days. He deleted what he typed and instead sent:

> **To: Josh :)  
> ** **Subj: Re: josh?**
> 
> 12:05AM  
> i’ll wait. goodnight, josh.

He forced himself to sleep.

* * *

Ken couldn’t sleep. He _still_ couldn’t sleep. He said he would wait—and he _was_ —but he still grew restless waiting for Josh’s text that never came. He tried texting him several times the day after. Josh didn’t reply so Ken thought that he needed more time. He respected that and stopped sending more messages.

Ken just focused on two things for the following days: how he would talk to Josh when it finally happened and work. He thought that if he poured all his nervous energy into these, he would be less anxious while waiting for Josh’s reply. However, as if the universe was mocking him, Ken’s schedules were inconveniently cancelled or moved to a much later date.

With more time in his hands than he knew what to do with, Ken just trained and practiced by himself all day. He tired himself out so that his body and mind were preoccupied in the morning. And at night, once he gets to bed, he would practice what to say to his writer.

Even then, Ken never found reprieve in his slumber.

* * *

Days later, Ken finally had a schedule that would take his mind off things. He had a shoot booked for an entire afternoon. This meant that he was going spend the day working rather than typing, deleting, typing, and then deleting draft messages to Josh.

But there was a catch. Maius Tiu was at the shoot; after all, it was his brand. Maius was still classy and handsome when he arrived on set, and he greeted Ken and Justin as if they were his favorite people in the world.

“My good men,” he said, patting them both on the shoulders. “I’m glad you took on this booking.”

“It was our pleasure!” Justin said, already in hair and makeup. He nudged Ken with his elbow, “Right, Ken?”

Ken just gave a small nod. “Yes, it is.”

“Why so nervous, pretty boy?” Maius said, looking at him knowingly and winking. “I don’t bite.”

Ken couldn’t help but compare himself to the man. He was articulate and easy to talk to. The difference between them was glaring, and Ken felt uncomfortable. In fact, he couldn’t look at Maius’ eyes and sparkly smile without thinking about how he would be better able to handle the conversation Ken didn’t have with Josh.

Just stressing about it made Ken feel worse. This added to the slight fever that had been bothering him since the day before and was giving him a headache.

Ken distracted himself from his worries by thinking about the shoot and practicing poses in his head. He tried to focus on these from the time they were given the brief to when Ken stepped on to the set and in front of the camera. It was an effective way of getting him into the groove. Within seconds after the first flash, he had almost forgotten about his earlier melodrama.

Throughout the shoot, his mood eventually lightened. He and Justin were doing well. The photographer rarely had to give them instructions as they worked. The director was giving both of them approving nods as he checked the photos from the back. Maius was next to him, whispering comments and pointing to the screen. He was nodding, too, looking impressed.

“Alright, everybody. That’s a wrap!” the director said, clapping his hands at the end of the shoot. The rest of the staff followed suit while Ken and Justin started bowing to everyone nearby. “Food in Studio B, let’s go!”

As the rest of the staff slowly sauntered into the pantry to get an early dinner, Ken broke off from the group to get his phone from the dressing room. He hastily opened the locker, rummaged through his bag, and checked his phone to see if there was a message from his writer.

Finding none, Ken sighed. His day was almost great, but he felt anxious again. His head throbbed at the disappointment.

“Why the long face, pretty boy?” said a deep and modulated baritone. Ken looked up and saw Maius leaning on the doorframe, smiling at him. “May I sit?”

Ken nodded reluctantly, a little unnerved with the friendliness. He moved to the side of the bench and made room for Maius to sit beside him.

“Uh… Thank you for the opportunity to model for your label.”

“I will be the first one to tell you that it was _my_ pleasure,” he started. He crossed his legs and gave Ken a sideways glance. “You have a lot of potential.”

“Thank you very much,” Ken said with practiced ease, bowing his head a little. When he sat back straighter, he immediately felt a little small and awkward.

Maius chuckled at him. “You’re him, aren’t you?”

“Sorry?” Ken asked, a little lost on the topic.

“JC’s partner. You’re him,” he said with certainty. Ken turned to him in shock.

Maius shook his head, answering the unspoken question. “He didn’t tell me. But I know him… a little. I saw the way he looked at you… and you him. When he told me about his lover and _consequently_ turned me down at dinner that night, it wasn’t hard to connect the dots.”

Ken fell silent. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Haha, me neither. I don’t even know why I came to talk to you.” Maius uncrossed his legs and leaned forward so his elbows rested on his knees. “I guess a part of me is just interested what he sees in you.”

_I’ve been asking myself the same question_ , Ken thought to himself. “I’m nothing compared to him.”

“Don’t be too hard on yourself,” replied the other man. “He talks about you fondly… I don’t think I’ve heard him talk about anyone like he does about you…”

Ken paused for a second before asking, “Does he… speak to you a lot?”

“Gods, no!” Maius said, laughing. “Even back when we were dating—no offense—I never got around to… you know… spending a lot of time with him. That’s why he broke up with me…”

“Oh…” Ken said. Josh had talked to him a little bit about his relationship with Maius. Ken didn’t understand then, but Josh must have meant that the reason it never worked out was because they didn’t get to spend a lot of time in each other’s company. “I see…”

Maius was quiet for a little while. But eventually he sighed and said, “JC… he won’t say it but… he’s the type who likes to just stay close even if you do nothing together… like a clingy little kid.”

Ken made no response but looked at Maius.

“You never noticed? He likes physical contact,” he said. But, almost immediately, he laughed. “Ah, what am I saying? I don’t even have the right! Sorry, I guess this is just me being the meddlesome ex.”

“N-No, it’s okay. I mean… I did see he liked to… cuddle after… in… _bed_ ,” Ken couldn’t say the last word without exploding into a deep share of red.

“Good job! You’re not as clueless as I thought!” Maius laughed at him and gave him a hearty pat in the back.

“Uhm… Thanks…?” Ken replied awkwardly. “I don’t have much experience with relationships so I’m still kind of trying to figure him out.”

“Ah, yes. The beautiful mystery that is Josh Cullen. Well, I guess it’s none of my business anymore so…” There was a tinge of sadness in his voice, but he kept his smile intact. “Take care of him, won’t you?”

“I plan to…” Ken said, returning the smile. His respect for Maius grew, and he was even starting to like the man, if only a little.

Maius nodded, already using his confident boss-like voice. “Now… Shall we get going before they start hogging all the food?”

“Uhm, yes— _one second_ …!”

Ken jumped when his phone suddenly buzzed on the bench from a message. Ignoring Maius and the weariness he had been feeling for the past few days, he opened his phone to check the text.

It wasn’t Josh; but the message made him hopeful just the same.

> **From: Jun N.  
> ** **Subj: You guys are idiots**
> 
> 5:40PM  
> Josh is at my place.  
> Come talk to him. You  
> are both idiots.

He stood up, startling his companion.

Ken didn’t care that he was blatantly disregarding a client as he stuffed all of his things in his backpack, not even bothering to take off his makeup or change his clothes. He almost shoved Maius aside as he hurried outside the door and towards the stairs.

“Hey, pretty boy! What about dinner?” Maius called out.

But Ken didn’t answer as he hastily made his way down.

_Please get him to stay, I’m on my way_ , Ken started typing frantically in response to Jun.

He continued to type as he ran like a madman, mindlessly putting one foot forward—and missing one step. Suddenly, Ken found himself being thrown forward, tumbling headfirst down a flight of stairs, and straight into a wall with a heavy thud.

Ken blacked out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ???????????????? what have i done with this chapter????????????????


	8. the writer introspects

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> breathing much easier now… just kidding; still anxious
> 
> chapter contains: almost 4000+ words; heavy, heavy, heavy narrations; angst and spiraling towards depressing thoughts; jun needs a consultation fee

**chapter seven: the writer introspects**

_Get out_ , his mind screamed at him. _Go and leave and run_. Josh was one who always listened to his thoughts, and he obeyed. His temper was rising quickly and if Ken continued to frustrate him, he didn’t doubt he would start throwing fists. So, he left.

Rain fell like bullets from the darkened night sky, but Josh ignored it as he hailed a taxi outside his building. When the driver asked where he wanted to go, he gave the name of a hotel that was an hour away from his location, and the driver lit up the ‘ _Occupied_ ’ sign on his cab before driving off.

Thankfully, traffic in Manila was horrible. The heavy rain made it worse. This meant that Josh spent two hours in the taxi, just breathing in and out, not thinking about Ken. It was two hours of just watching the rain fall on the window while waiting for the intensity of his emotions to subside. The taxi dropped him off at the hotel later, and he booked a standard single room for a week.

The lock beeped as Josh tapped his card on it. Opening the door, he entered the dark and empty chamber that would be his brooding room until he could collect his thoughts. He got settled in and took a long bath, before lying on his back for hours on the bed that was too big and cold for just him.

The first thing that went through his mind when he allowed himself to process what happened was, ‘ _Ken, you big idiot_ ’.

_Ken, you big idiot_ , he thought. He ran a hand through his hair as he replayed what happened, his temper flaring again but with less intensity. The conflict in Ken’s eyes as he struggled to hold back his words made Josh think that he was hiding _something_. But what was it? The need to know was killing him.

Josh knew he could have handled the situation better, but how exactly does one manage a discussion if the other person kept secrets?

He rolled over to the cooler side of the bed, continuing to process his thoughts. Was he angry? No, Josh decided that wasn’t exactly how he felt. He was frustrated. He was frustrated at how their conversation unfolded. He was frustrated that Ken refused to talk. And he was frustrated at the way he handled the whole debacle.

He groaned, turning again, and lying face down on the mattress. At that moment, he just wanted the day to end. Perhaps if he slept, he would think better in the morning.

Josh was waiting for sleepiness to dawn on him when his phone pinged with a notification, alerting him to a text. It was Ken.

> **From: Surfer Boy  
>  Subj: josh?**
> 
> 12:01AM  
>  _(Message empty)_  
>   
> 

He gave a tired sigh. Even on text, Ken wasn’t talking. A part of Josh wanted him to just explain everything through text, just to get things over with. But his more rational side knew that it wasn’t the right time.

Josh _shouldn’t_ reply. Really, in the current state he was in, he just might say things that he didn’t mean. He should just ignore the message so they could both spend some alone time to think. But the tentativeness of the message made Josh think that his surfer boy must be stressing over the argument just as he was… and even if he were mad, he couldn’t stand the thought of Ken being too worried about him.

_Ken, you big idiot_ , Josh repeated in his head. _You’re making this harder on me_. He allowed himself just one reply to let Ken know he was okay.

> **To: Surfer Boy  
>  Subj: Re: josh?**
> 
> 12:01AM  
> I’m fine. Give me a few days.

Was it too cold? Too distant? Did he sound angry, even though he really wasn’t? While he agonized over the message, Ken had texted him again.

> **From: Surfer Boy  
>  Subj: Re: josh?**
> 
> 12:05AM  
> i’ll wait. goodnight, josh.

He stared at his phone, his chest feeling constricted. Josh didn’t know how long it would take before he would be calm enough to talk again. It could take days, weeks. He sincerely hoped that Ken meant it when he said he would wait… because the only thing that scared Josh more than their next conversation was the thought of him leaving.

Josh begrudgingly closed his eyes and wrapped the covers around his body, missing the familiar warmth of his surfer boy on his back. He slept, hoping his thoughts would be clearer when he woke up the next day.

* * *

Thinking wasn’t easy, and Ken made it more difficult by sending multiple texts on the day after their argument. He sent messages telling Josh to ‘ _take care_ ’, ‘ _be safe_ ’, and ‘ _i’ll wait_ ’. Josh didn’t know whether to be touched by the gesture or to be annoyed by the fact that Ken still hasn’t gotten the concept of ‘ _I need time_ ’.

Josh chose to ignore the texts until Ken stopped sending them. When he did, Josh eventually became focused enough to continue processing the events and his reactions to them. Left alone to his own thoughts, Josh acknowledged that what frustrated him the most was not that Ken didn’t talk; rather, it was that Josh didn’t know the ‘why’.

Why didn’t he say anything if it obviously mattered to him? Why does he keep Josh out? If it was about his career, why doesn’t he let Josh help?

As these questions sunk in, Josh suddenly became afraid of the trajectory of his own thoughts. His ‘why’s became ‘what if’s, and they scared him even more.

What if Ken realized he wanted to pursue his career, and his relationship with Josh was becoming a burden? What if he found that Josh was too much to handle? What if he learned he wasn’t in love after all, but was only with Josh because he was the person he first got attached to?

What if he found someone else? What if ‘I don’t know’ really meant ‘I don’t know about us anymore’?

Josh got more and more anxious. He suddenly found it hard to breathe, and his heart pounded in his chest. Those were just presumptions; Josh knew they were. But every presumption was based on a semblance of fact. If so… was Josh looking at a breakup?

He turned on his side on the bed. No. That couldn’t be it… could it? Ken wouldn’t let go that easily… right? He stared blankly at the wall, trying to quiet his anxious mind. As he did, his eyes caught a glimpse of his scarred wrists. He remembered the way Ken liked to trail kisses over the faded white stripes, like he could somehow make them go away. Josh still felt the ghost of those kisses that tickled his skin. The memory calmed him, and he pressed his own lips over his scars gently.

_Ken, you big idiot_ , he thought to himself again when he was calmer. Josh sincerely hoped that Ken wasn’t thinking about breaking up. Because Josh was already in too deep, his attachment to his surfer boy too strong. Just the thought of letting go already scared him.

Josh agonized about his thoughts over the next few days. He swung between believing his own doubts and disproving them; between being so sure that Ken would break up with him and being sure that he wouldn’t. But Josh still didn’t talk to him because his intense frustration was replaced by a bigger fear of what could happen.

_Ken, you big idiot_ , he kept repeating in his head. It was Ken who initially refused to talk. But now, Josh found himself to be the one who was afraid of the inevitable confrontation.

* * *

“Oh, wow. You look like hell,” Jun said as soon as he opened the door. Josh just stared.

“Thanks,” he said sarcastically, pushing a small box into Jun’s arms. “I missed you, too.”

He confidently let himself into the apartment without waiting for an invitation. As soon as he got to the living room, he placed his backpack on the couch then immediately started to set up Jun and Stell’s gaming consoles like they were his. Meanwhile, Jun went to the kitchen to pour them both drinks.

It had been almost a week since his argument with Ken, and Josh decided that he needed some time to unwind. Beating Jun at video games always helped him release some tension in the past, so he didn’t hesitate to call him and make plans. Coincidentally, Jun was also thinking about inviting him to dinner. Josh hoped that after his gaming session he would finally be able to talk to Ken and sort things out.

“I can’t believe you didn’t get me footlongs,” Jun complained when he peeked inside the box of warm hotdogs Josh bought. He stuck his lower lip at him.

“They ran out,” Josh said, turning on the TV and sitting on the couch. Then he grabbed one console and offered the other to Jun. “Don’t be picky.”

Jun just sighed and sat beside him. They both looked at the TV with bored expressions on their faces as they thought about which game to play.

“So, how’s Ken?” Jun asked out of the blue.

Josh just kept his gaze fixed on the TV screen. “Uh… He’s fine.”

“Oh, good,” Jun said as monotonously as Josh replied. “I hope he didn’t get sick. He braved the storm to get here a few nights back. Scared the heck out of me.”

Josh did not expect to hear what Jun and said, and he snapped his head quickly so he could look at him. “He was here?”

“Yeah. He came looking for you,” Jun replied. “I got nervous since you mentioned he was just sick a few weeks back, right?”

“He was!” Josh cried out, worried. “Is he okay?”

“Wait, why are you asking _me_?” Jun looked at him suspiciously. “Haven’t you guys talked yet?”

Josh put the console on his lap and rubbed his temples with both hands. He didn’t want to think about their argument then; but Jun had already breached the subject, and it didn’t seem like he would let it go.

“No… I needed some time to think.”

“Yeah, he told me that. But it’s been a week! When are you going to talk to him…?”

“ _Argh_ , I have no idea…!” Josh groaned. He let his head fall back on the couch, staring at the ceiling. “It’s been a rough few days for me…”

Josh didn’t even hold back as his own mouth started to narrate what happened. The waiting for months for Ken to talk, the fact that Ken _didn’t_ , and the frustration he felt looking back at their conversation.

When he finished talking, Jun nodded and said, “So… what did you think his problem was?”

“I don’t know!” Josh said, flailing his arms in the air. He turned so he was facing Jun, his legs crossed on the couch. “Maybe he wants to break up and focus on his career— _or_! Maybe he got, like… a pretty model girlfriend or something! He’s young and friendly. There’s bound to be someone—”

Jun hastily put a hand over Josh’s mouth to silence him. “ _Are you fucking dumb_?”

“No,” Josh said over the hand that was covering his mouth.

“Are you _sure_ you’re not dumb?” Jun gave him a slight push. “That’s what you were thinking? That he’s cheating on you? _Really_?”

Josh rested his head on the couch, squeezing his eyes tight as he got red in the face. “What am I supposed to think? The long hours away, the secretive way he texts, how he doesn’t talk about work! And can’t you see how hot he’s become?! Tell me how I _cannot_ think about that!”

“Oh, my God… I’m embarrassed of you,” Jun said. He grabbed Josh by the shoulders and gave him a firm shake. “How can you _not_ see the way that boy follows you around like an infatuated puppy? Are you _blind_ or are you really just _dumb_?”

At that, Josh blushed harder.

“I wasn’t going to meddle in this because I thought you were completely capable of fixing it on your own but, apparently, you’re _not_!”

Josh gave him a look. “What are you talking about?”

“Unlike you, sir, _I_ was able to gently get answers from _your_ boyfriend,” he started. Then, sighing, he said, “He’s insecure, Josh… He has this insane assumption that he has to be someone successful before he _deserves_ to be your boyfriend. _That’s_ why he’s been working so much.”

“ _What_?!” Josh exclaimed, not holding back his voice. Then, he said again, “ _What_?!”

“See? See how _completely_ different your assumptions are from reality? You idiot!”

“I told him not to worry about that!” Josh said, throwing his hands in the air again. “Why didn’t he just tell me?”

“Because you were yelling at him just like how you’re yelling at me now?” Jun asked rhetorically. “And it shocked him that you got like that so quickly?”

“Hey, _I_ was trying to strike up a conversation. _He_ was being difficult about it,” he said defensively. Just remembering what happened irritated Josh again.

Jun grimaced at him. “Pushing him into a corner and interrogating him like a criminal is _not_ the best way to coax him into talking, Josh Cullen. Did you even try to ask him calmly?”

“I tried…! But he said, ‘I don’t know’ and I just flipped!”

“Oh, Josh…” his friend said with an exhausted sigh. “You should have let him explain first. How can you expect him to talk if you’re already acting like you’re going to bite his head off for it?”

Josh just stared.

“Did you ever think that maybe he just didn’t know how to put his thoughts and feelings into words properly?” he started. “Put yourself in his shoes for a moment. He thinks you’re the greatest person in the world. He feels like his achievements don’t even match yours, so he’s working hard to prove himself to you… and maybe, even to anyone else watching. He doesn’t know how to tell you that because he knows you won’t understand how that feels like.

“He’s trying, Josh. He _really_ is. He may be deluded into thinking that he was doing the right thing, but everything he’s been doing? It’s all with you in mind.”

Josh held his breath and bit his lip. As the pieces of the puzzle slowly fell into place, all he knew was he wanted to smack Ken in the head and hold him tight right after.

Jun turned to Josh and crossed his arms over his chest. “Ken… he’s a nice guy. A real sweetheart. And you nagging him like a loud housewife is a serious asshole-ry.”

Josh looked down and said, “Well, then… He should have talked to me about it right from the get-go.”

Jun gave a long, exasperated sigh. “Josh, I’m saying this because I _seriously_ like Ken for you… This isn’t about who’s right or who did and didn’t do anything. This is about lowering your pride and meeting in the middle, okay?”

Josh remained quiet.

“Can you do that?”

“I might just punch him in the face.”

“Josh… you have to move past this; because, if not, this will keep coming back. Talk to him properly, okay?” said Jun, putting a hand on Josh’s knee to emphasize.

“But I suck at this… I don’t know if I can…”

Jun sighed, laughing. “You’re exaggerating. Of course, you can. You love him.”

“ _F-Fuck you_ ,” he stammered, blushing at how easily Jun said the words.

“Alright… This is the last time I’ll step in and save your sorry ass.” Jun reached for his phone and started typing away, while Josh was too in his head to notice. “When you talk to Ken, let him say his piece without interrupting him, okay? Just listen and try to understand where he’s coming from. And, for the love of God, don’t nag him. Please?”

“I don’t know, Jun… What if… What if it doesn’t end well?”

Jun shrugged. “You either try again until it does, or you give up. Your choice.”

Josh put his head in one hand and massaged his temple. “How are you so good at this?”

“ _Looooots_ of practice,” Jun said, rolling his eyes.

“I didn’t think it would get this hard…”

Jun put a hand on Josh’s shoulder. “Hey… you got this, okay? Just… take a deep breath and listen to him before you talk.”

“You’re the best, Jun…” Josh gave his friend an almost apologetic smile. For someone who has been a relatively shitty person, Josh thought he had been given the best people as emotional support.

Jun nodded. “Good. So, I already texted Ken… I don’t doubt that he’s on his way here.”

“You _what_?!”

“I texted him. He’ll probably get here in a few minutes. Now, get your shit together.”

“Jun, I feel betrayed! I thought you understood me!”

“I’m not going to tolerate your avoidant behavior, Josh,” he said, rolling his eyes. “I love you too much to just stand by and watch you fuck this thing up.”

Josh groaned. He wanted complained at how cringy Jun was being, but he appreciated the assurance. He just put his face in his hands and stayed that way for a while, thinking about how he should face Ken.

Jun was probably right. He could put it off for some time, but he eventually had to face it. And he _should_ face it. Josh comforted himself with the consolation that his greatest fear, that Ken wanted to break up, wasn’t the case, after all. That made the tightness in his chest loosen a little.

After a few minutes, Josh’s phone rang, and he and Jun immediately looked at each other. He hurriedly grabbed it, expecting it to be his surfer boy.

“Who is it? Ken?” asked Jun.

“No, it’s… Maius,” Josh replied, confused. He answered the call and put the phone to his ear, “Maius? What’s up?”

“Hey, JC… I hope I’m not bothering you or anything, but it’s kind of an emergency…” Maius sounded like he was catching his breath.

“Emergency?” Josh asked. “What do you mean? Is something wrong?”

“Well, your pretty boy? Ken Suson, the model?” Josh’s ears perked up, immediately nervous that Maius knew about Ken and that he was calling about him. “He just fell down the stairs and hit his head. He’s unconscious right now, and it doesn’t seem to be anything serious, but we’re still taking him to the hospital just to be sure. We’re already in the ambulance.”

“ _What_?!” Josh stood up, not realizing he was standing on the couch. “Oh, my God! Text me the address. I’m on my way.”

“What happened?” Jun asked, worried.

“Hospital…!” Josh could only say, irritated. “I need to go to the hospital.”

Without explaining, Josh gave Jun a quick hug and a ‘thank you’ before storming out the door.

* * *

When Josh caught up with Maius at the hospital, he had calmed down enough to digest the details of what happened. Apparently, Ken had a misstep on the stairs, hitting his head on a wall when he fell. There was no concussion or any serious physical injury, which was good. But Maius had asked to have him admitted when the doctors found he had a slight fever, was fatigued, and dehydrated.

“He’s in room 838,” Maius told him. “I’m sure you’re worried about him…”

“Maius, I—”

“Hey, this is nothing,” he said. “Now go. I’ll just take care of some paperwork here.”

Josh squeezed his arm. He put a hand over Josh’s for a moment, smiling a sad-happy kind that made Josh want to hug him, if not for the fact that it was inappropriate and insensitive. Instead, Josh mumbled a sincere, “Thank you.” Then he ran past the hospital security and the nurse’s station toward Ken’s room.

“ _Ken_!” Josh cried as soon as he found the room and opened the door.

The first person he saw was Ken’s colleague, Justin de Dios, still made-up, and surprised at seeing him enter. “Josh—!”

If it were any other day, Josh would have the patience to talk to Justin and thank him for being there. However, he was a little too caught up with the sight of Ken with an IV drip stuck to his right hand and a bandage on his head.

“Get out of the way, Justin!” he said, pushing him slightly and running to Ken’s bedside.

“Josh?! What are you doing here—?”

_You look like hell_ , he thought to himself. Under the slightly melted makeup on his face, Josh could see the bags under his eyes, the paleness of his slightly chapped lips.

Josh remembered that that was exactly what Jun told him earlier. It seemed that Ken was agonizing about their argument as much as he was. So much so that he didn’t look like he had been taking care of himself. Josh became relieved and infuriated at the same time.

He knew then that they had to talk, even just a little. He was far from ready, but he could no longer stand the thought of Ken being stressed out because of him.

Josh approached him and did what he had wanted to do since a week ago: he punched Ken, trying to hold back as much as he could, and then held him in his arms because _damn_. Jun was right. Even if he was annoying, doesn’t talk, and an idiot, Josh loved this man.

That thought alone made him less scared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we've gone full circle now; the next chapter will be the last official one before two bonus stories and i can finally let these babies go


	9. the writer, beloved (part one)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last official chapter before two bonus chapters which will be mostly fluff
> 
> chapter contains: lots of dialogue; slight angst; introspection; fluff, fluff, fluff; domestic fluff (continued in part two)

**chapter eight: the writer, beloved (part one)**

Josh punched him, then he hugged him. And Ken was confused for a moment about what he should do.

But the moment he inhaled the familiar scent that was uniquely Josh, the scent of coffee and mint, his hands immediately made their way around to hug him back. It had only been a week, but he had missed it. Missed it so much that Ken buried his nose deep into Josh’s neck and breathed.

Despite everything, they were okay. Josh said he was mad, and Ken could feel it in the way his hug was almost too tight, but at least he wasn’t pushing Ken away. That was what mattered the most.

Ken breathed in again.

Josh must have learned something, given his reaction, so he asked, “You heard?” Josh nodded, his head bobbing by Ken’s shoulder. “How much… have you heard?”

“Enough,” came the response. Josh broke their embrace and held his gaze. “But before I fabulously dispute your logic, I’ll listen to what you have to say.”

Josh looked at him with eyes that were equally worried, pained, and seeking. Ken gulped and turned his gaze. He had practiced this a hundred times in his head, but why did he still feel unsure? Even with his prepared speech, Ken felt that there was so much more that he would be unable to say properly. And he wasn’t sure if plain words would be enough to tell Josh what was on his mind.

“Ken, look at me,” pleaded Josh, and Ken couldn’t say ‘no’ to that voice. “We said we’d talk about things, didn’t we? So, don’t keep secrets, please?”

“You won’t think I’m stupid or childish, right?” he asked, just to be sure.

“Oh, I already think you’re stupid and childish.” Josh said, rolling his eyes. Then he kissed him on the forehead. “But I don’t think of you any less.”

Ken puffed his cheeks and stuck out his lower lip. Josh was teasing him then, and Ken felt a little bit like a child who got caught in a white lie. He gave Josh a shy smile and said, “ _Now_ I feel really bad.”

Josh chuckled before walking around the bed so he could sit to Ken’s left. He held Ken’s hand, he said, “Alright, tell me everything.”

The nervousness Ken felt abated a little bit the moment their skin touched.

“I… actually practiced this,” Ken began, scrunching his nose, “but now I don’t know if I’d remember to say everything.”

“Just say it however you want. I’ll… try not to interrupt.”

“Well,” he said, taking a huge breath in, “I guess I should start by saying that this is about work… Uhm… Or that I’m working because I want… I want to, maybe, get closer to you…”

Ken waited for Josh to say something, but he only caressed the back of Ken’s hand with the pads of his fingers. Josh didn’t seem like he was mad or annoyed yet, so Ken continued.

“I just thought… maybe you deserved more, you know? Someone better than who I… am right now. So… So, I tried to take on more bookings because I thought… maybe I’ll become as successful as you.”

He cleared his throat, hearing for the first time how illogical he sounded, before continuing.

“I didn’t mean… for things to go bad. I just really, really wanted to achieve something big. Like you…” He gave Josh a smile, which the other frowned upon. “And then, I guess I took on too much… I became busier… I wasn’t… I couldn’t spend time with you… And I’m sorry about that.

“I just—” he breathed in deeply, watching for Josh’s reaction to his next words, “I feel like you’re moving… _so fast_ … And I can’t catch up even if I’m trying to. I felt… like I had to do more…? And I couldn’t talk to you about it because I knew… you would say that it’s nothing… but it’s _not_ …”

Josh just sat there for some time, looking at him. He was biting at his teeth like he was holding back from speaking, but he didn’t talk. Instead, he squeezed Ken’s hand to urge him to continue.

“When we talked the last time… I’m sorry about that,” he said. This time he squeezed Josh’s hand. “I… _really_ … honestly, didn’t know how to say what I wanted to. And I got scared when you—when _we_ were both shouting…

“You were right. I guess we both needed time to think and breathe… although… you know… it scared me when you just ran. I couldn’t help but think about the last time you left…”

Josh’s grip was tight on him when he stopped talking. Ken wanted to drown in his steady gaze that had the intensity of a rushing tide. _Amazing_ , he thought. It was amazing how this man could be both gentle and firm at the same time.

“So, I guess… that’s it… Uhm… _Yeah_ …”

There were about six other things that Ken knew he forgot to say in his confusion. But he just found himself staring back at Josh, who seemed lost in his own mind for a few moments.

“Sorry if I ran… _again_ ,” Josh said after a while. “That’s probably the first thing I need to be sorry for, but…”

Josh took a deep breath, and almost immediately his stern look turned into a childish pout. _Cute_. Ken couldn’t help but fight back a smile.

“Just so we’re clear: you’re _not_ seeing anyone behind my back?” Josh asked, his lips puckered in the middle.

“What?” Ken asked, surprised. “No!”

“And you’re not thinking about breaking up?”

“Josh—” Ken sighed. “Where did you come up with that?”

“I know, I know. It’s stupid,” he said, giving him a shy grin. “But that’s how my dumb brain works… And that’s how wild my imagination gets when I’m left to guess things… Sorry…”

He took a deep breath and held Ken’s hand tightly in both of his, putting it close to his lips. “And I’m sorry, too, for the last time we talked. I’m sorry for being such an asshole and not giving you a chance to explain properly… for shouting, for nagging, I’m sorry about those, too…

“And… Sorry for making you feel like I was invalidating your concerns… I didn’t mean to take them lightly, and I’m sorry if I made you think that way…

“I get that you want to do well in your career. Believe me, I want that for you, too,” Josh said, and his eyes were imploring as they stared into Ken’s. “But not like this… Not like you’re always in a hurry and you’re always tired. I don’t want you to eventually forget why you love doing what you do.”

Ken’s memory took him back to when he first met Josh; when he was lonely, scared, and pressed from all sides by the burden of having to write for someone else. Working for the sake of work. Josh had been an empty husk of a man, albeit a beautiful empty husk, who seemed to have nothing to live for.

And Ken thought of himself: was he turning into that person, too?

“I want you to enjoy your career,” Josh said. He smiled. “Remember the first time I saw you on the runway? You looked divine, Ken. You were like some otherworldly creature who walked the earth, I could have written an entire book about you… You were happy, and I was happy for you…”

Ken probably blushed harder than he should. People had been telling him he was handsome, and he had turned heads while on the runway on more than one occasion; but hearing those words from Josh made him feel overly conscious.

He covered the smile that made his way to his face with the back of his hand.

Josh reached up to brush Ken’s hair and tuck it behind his ear. “Now… you just look tired. You’re _always_ doing something. You’re _always_ running out of time. And with what you just said, I feel like you’re competing against me…”

Ken locked gazes with Josh. Was he competing? That wasn’t his intent. He just wanted to catch up.

But now that Josh brought it up, he became aware of a part of himself that not only wanted to run _after_ Josh, but to overtake him as well. To be someone great, even greater than him. That counted as competition, didn’t it?

Maybe that was why he was so crushed to hear about Josh’s achievements. They were the testament to the gap between them and made him become increasingly frustrated at his own ‘incompetence’ to shorten it.

Ken looked down and stared at the blankets he was tucked into. If he continued to go down that path… if he and Josh didn’t fight… would he have eventually tried to put Josh down just so he could catch up? He didn’t even want to think of what could have happened.

It was like he had just been given a forceful wake-up call. He had not realized that, in the course of his running after, he had unintentionally started to distance himself from the person he wanted to get close to.

“I’m sorry…” was the only thing he could say. “I didn’t realize that… It’s… a lot to think about.”

Josh pursed his lips. He looked like he wanted to say something more, but he took one look at Ken and he sighed. “Okay… Let’s stop for now. We’ll talk about everything else later…”

“Oh… Why?” Ken asked him, relieved but confused.

“Because I’m still kind of annoyed.” He squinted his eyes at Ken. Then, he sighed. “And… if this is too much info for you… We’ll find a time when we’re both calmer. I can’t promise that I’ll be better at communicating by then but… I’ll try, okay?”

Ken smiled and squeezed Josh’s hand tight. “Yeah… Yeah, okay. I’ll try, too…”

“Alright… Besides, there are more pressing issues right now.” Josh leaned back and raised his eyebrow at him, “Injured, fatigued, and dehydrated? Are you kidding me?”

“Oh…” Ken reached up to touch the prominent bump on his head. And there was a possible bruising on his shoulder and back that stung as if to let him know they were there. “They’re not _that_ serious, I promise.”

Josh let out a throaty groan. “Here we go again! It may not be serious now. But if you keep this up, who knows?”

“Sorry. That’s not what I meant… I meant the injuries, they’re not serious…” Ken smiled and nodded. He laced their fingers together and reveled in the feeling of their hands fitting just right.

“What happened?”

“I ran down the stairs while I was texting… and I didn’t see where I was going. Next thing I knew, I was rolling down the stairs. I woke up later in the ambulance and everybody was freaking out.”

“And what about the fatigue?”

He hummed. “Well…”

“You’re not resting properly, are you?”

Ken shook his head hesitantly. “Not… as much as I probably needed to.”

“You should take care of yourself more… sleep in a proper bed, eat regular meals, drink more water…” Josh sighed as his voice trailed off and he started to get deep in thought.

As he did, Ken himself started to think, too. While a surprise conversation in the hospital was a laughable turnout to their otherwise dramatic fight, Ken couldn’t help but be glad that it all happened. The mess, the argument, and the pain revealed their worse parts. Josh wouldn’t have known that Ken was a loser at using his words; Ken wouldn’t have guessed for Josh to be that short-fused. And somehow, it felt to him like a good discovery.

Seeing a new side to Josh, Ken finally gained a deeper understanding of who his writer was as a person; like he was able to peel back a layer to his personality. And he also got a good look at himself and the things he still needed to work on.

There were still a lot that they needed to talk about, and this would definitely not be the last time they fought, Ken knew. But, at least, they could begin to work on their rougher edges slowly, a little bit at a time, together.

Suddenly, Josh gave a small yelp and stood up, his chair scraping mutedly on the tiled floor. He looked at Ken, eyes wide. “I just thought of something.”

“What?” Ken asked.

Josh hit his own forehead with his palm. “I’m so smart! Can’t believe I didn’t think of this before!”

“Josh, what is it?”

Josh clapped once and looked at him. “Move in with me.”

“ _Eh_?!” Ken exclaimed. “But… why?”

“Because it’s better than staying at Justin de Dios’ couch!” he started. “It’s practical since you won’t need to pay rent. You’ll be more comfortable at home. You’ll have a bed, your own closet. And it’s halfway between your office and the airport for when you need to travel—Ken, it’s _perfect_!”

“Wait, wait, _wait_!” Ken’s mind was running a million miles a minute. “This is a huge thing, isn’t it?”

“Well… yeah, it is. Living together is a big deal…”

“Are you… sure about this?”

“You don’t want to?” he asked, his starry eyes peering innocently at Ken.

Right then, Ken knew he lost.

“I… _do_ … Of course, I want to. It’s just that…”

Josh opened his mouth but closed it again. He held his breath and waited for Ken to continue talking.

“I want to but… I’m worried…?” he began unsurely, trying to get his mind to come up with an accurate explanation of how he felt. “I don’t… want to get in your way when you’re writing… I don’t want to be a bother, you know?”

“You think you’re a bother?”

He nodded. “I’m not exactly good company…?” He scrunched up his nose and stared at the ceiling. “I don’t know if… if you’ll like having me around that much.”

“Ken…” Josh said, smiling. Ken admired his dimples that showed on his cheeks. “I _always_ want you around.”

Josh held up his free hand and started counting with it. “You’re smarter than half the people I know, you cook well, you’re considerate, you’re patient, you clean up after yourself and sometimes after me, too. And you’re the best—”

Josh stopped himself abruptly as if he only realized what he had said.

“Oh, God. What have you done to me? I’ve turned into a shameless fool! _I hate this_ …!” He let go of Ken and put his head in his hands, groaning.

Ken didn’t know whether to jump up and down on the bed in glee or hide under the covers in embarrassment. He had never thought of himself as any of the words Josh just described him as, and hearing it said to him by the same voice he had come to fall in love with made him want to burst into flames.

His smile was wide as he reached up to caress a finger on Josh’s cheek. He wanted to say something that would describe the emotions he was feeling, but he couldn’t find the words. So instead, he grabbed Josh’s arm and pulled him into a tight hug.

“Okay,” he said when Josh settled into his embrace. “Okay, let’s stay together…”

Josh looked up at him meaningfully. Then he flashed the toothy grin that was Ken’s favorite and, without more words, kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ending again. i can finally let these two babies go. two bonus stories to tie off loose ends that i can see. if you find more, please let me know~!


	10. the writer, beloved (part two)

**chapter nine: the writer, beloved (part two)**

Ken woke up to the absence of the warm body he had been spooning the night before. He patted the mattress, the emptiness in it evident as he blearily opened his eyes.

The view that greeted him was a room he should get used to… it was going to be his own in a few weeks, after all. Ken smiled as he stared at the ceiling of Josh’s room.

Ken had spent one night at the hospital. While his condition wasn’t so severe to warrant a longer admission, Josh insisted that he stay to get him to rest more. When he learned Ken was staying, Justin came back later that day with Jamie in tow, and they both proceeded to yell at him. Apparently, both of them had been worried about his overwork for a while and talked nonstop about how he should take better care of himself.

Josh stayed by his side throughout the entire exchange, looking a little bit unnerved at how touchy Justin and Jamie were with Ken. When Ken asked him what was up, Josh just shook his head and turned away quietly.

He didn’t want to assume, but Ken felt that Josh looked a little bit… _uncomfortable_? So, Ken brushed his hand against Josh’s fingers, a gesture that Jamie didn’t miss and teased them both about. Her loud personality eventually made Josh warm up to her, and he eagerly joined her and Justin in convincing Ken to free up his schedules. With three people against him, Ken could only agree.

The next day, the doctors deemed him healthier and the hospital discharged him on orders that he had to rest for the next week. Josh and Justin ganged up on him to sleep in a proper bed, so Ken went home with Josh.

Once there, they discussed about how and when he would move in. Then they talked at length about the rest of their argument. It went smoother that time around. Josh listened attentively, Ken talked more, and they both promised to do better.

Ken doesn’t remember who kissed whom first, but they did. Eventually, they were both naked, hands all over each other, and they spent the remainder of night in a tangle of limbs, whispering their apologies in each other’s ears.

He sighed, staring back at the ceiling again. It was strange. It was just another day, but it felt different. It was like things were ending and beginning at the same time. Ken remembered how the past few months had been rough, but they were finally getting past them. Then, he thought about how would be moving in with Josh, and that felt like a new story that was yet to be told.

The loud clang of metal being dropped on the floor, followed by Josh’s yelp, interrupted him in his lazy morning musing. Ken immediately sat up, alert, and bolted out of the room. He didn’t bother to put on a shirt as he just scurried down the stairs.

“Josh?” he called, running down in a hurry. “Josh, what’s going on?”

“Uhm…! I’m fine!” came Josh’s tentative reply from the kitchen.

As he ran, the smell of something burning caught his nose. Ken arrived at the kitchen to see Josh holding a pan in one hand and reaching for a pancake on the floor with the other. He touched it, but immediately pulled his hand back and hissed.

“ _Argh_!” he said, touching the steaming lump of dried batter again, picking it up, and throwing it in the sink. “ _Fuck_ , that’s hot!”

“What… are you doing?” Ken asked, walking closer and seeing the soggy pancake that had a strange black char on one side.

“I was _trying_ to cook breakfast,” Josh explained. “I thought pancakes were supposed to be easy…”

“Well… they _are_ ,” Ken said. “You just follow the instructions on the box.”

Josh grimaced. “Yeah, but how many minutes do you have to wait before it’s cooked?”

“It depends…?” Ken answered. “If you see the bubbles, you flip it to cook the other side.”

“ _Ooooh_.” Josh’s mouth turned into an adorable ‘o’ shape. His eyes brightened. “I thought— _hm_ … I guess I waited too long.”

Ken chuckled at him. “Give it to me. I’ll cook,” he said, reaching for the spatula.

“No!” Josh cried loudly, taking it far from Ken’s reach. “I’ll cook. You sit. I can do this.”

The determination on his face was lovely, and Ken resigned. He walked back, sat at the edge of the kitchen table with his legs dangling over the edge, and watched Josh try his hand at the pancakes again.

_Beautiful_ , he couldn’t help but think. He had always known Josh was beautiful. It was something he noticed since the day they met. But as Josh overthought about how much batter to put on the pan, Ken saw something more than his features that made him beautiful.

Josh was exquisite as there was a depth to his character. He was the kind of perfect that defied the very definition of perfection. And it wasn’t until Ken faced the scarred and lonely man beneath the façade that he found it: Josh’s flaws.

Ken glanced at Josh’s collection of gifts from people who expressed their admiration of his lover. The piles of books and pens and toys that collected dust over the years remained on the bookshelf by the living room. Ken mused. How many of them dared to look at the brokenness beyond Josh’s beauty… and still accept him?

_Not many_ , Ken assumed. Because it was easier to put Josh on a pedestal and love the idea of his perfection without getting to know who he really was. Ken knew that. He had been there.

But Josh _wasn’t_ an idea… he was a person. He was skin and flesh and bones; he would cry and moan and laugh. Josh was a great at a lot of things, but he apparently didn’t know how to cook pancakes. Ken wondered how he could overlook those charming quirks because of his focus on things like career, money, and status.

Josh was staring intently at the pan now, squinting his eyes in concentration. Right then, Ken felt like he was starting to see Josh in a different, but better, light. Instead of that deity that walked the earth, he was now the fumbling, tumbling person like Ken was, who was still unsure whether he should flip the pancake or not.

So, maybe they weren’t so distant, after all. Josh—beautiful and broken, yet beloved just the same—was just as human as everyone else. And of the many people who came and went, Josh let Ken stay.

In that fleeting moment of realization, Ken finally put together his chaotic and incoherent thoughts to rest with one simple sentence.

“I should probably flip this now, right?” Josh asked, turning to him with the spatula in his hand.

Ken puffed his cheeks to hold back his smile and reached out to Josh with both hands spread outward. Josh grimaced but approached him on the table anyway. When he got close enough, Ken wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close.

“Uh… okay?” said Josh. “Should I flip it now?”

Ken chuckled. “Josh…”

“Yes?”

“I love you…”

Ken felt Josh freeze up in his embrace. He pulled away and watched as Josh’s eyes widened in slow motion, his face slowly turning from pink to red to deep crimson.

Ken curled his fingers around Josh’s bare wrists—Josh doesn’t hide them around him anymore, and Ken didn’t notice when this had started—before repeating, “I love you.”

“ _Shameless_ ,” Josh replied harshly. He stared up at Ken with an annoyed look, before pulling him by the neck to kiss him.

For someone who wrote words for a living, Ken found it endearing that there were some that Josh never said out loud. Ken couldn’t complain. Because what he couldn’t say, he made up for with the way his lips moved with Ken’s in a languid dance, pressing his face closer.

When they broke the kiss, they put their foreheads together for a little while. Ken started chuckling, Josh following his lead. Whatever was funny, they didn’t know.

“Ah, wait…! _Pancakes_!” Josh gasped, interrupting the moment. He abruptly peeled himself off Ken and turned back to the pan. There was a gleeful ‘wooh!’ when he successfully flipped one pancake over.

Ken got to his feet and approached him. “Come on, let me help you with that.”

“No, I can—”

“Hey… Let me do this with you?” he asked, smiling. “Since I’m gonna be here now…”

Josh pouted at him but surrendered the spatula. “ _Fine_.” Then, as Ken was explaining what Josh could do better, he slid in between the counter to press his back against Ken’s chest.

Maybe they matched like that, Ken thought. There were things that Josh couldn’t do and Ken would be there to pull him up when needed; there were things that he wasn’t good at and Josh would push him to be better. Maybe that was how relationships worked.

It was strange to be realizing that on a lazy morning while cooking pancakes. But now that he did, Ken felt like it was an important realization. He held on to it, and looked forward to the future where he would be learning new things about his lover everyday. Like had said, he was going to be there from that day on.

Ken smiled, wondering if he was able to tell Josh exactly what he meant. Because when he said, ‘here now’, he meant a really, really, _really_ long time.


	11. bonus chapter one: dear surfer boy (again)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ever wondered what was written in the ‘letters to his surfer boy he never sent but kept in a box under his bed’?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter contains: fluff; surfer boy reading fluff… and smut
> 
> edited July 10, 2020

**bonus chapter: dear surfer boy (again)**

Ken looked around the beige walls and the curtains that were now dark brown instead of the previous moss green. Josh’s house was familiar—he’d been there many times—but it felt a little new to be moving in.

After his literal fall which rushed him to the hospital, Ken had kicked back on his schedules for a few days before getting back to work. But it still took a few weeks before he was finally free to pack up his stuff from Justin’s and move them to Josh’s.

“Uh, I already cleared some space in the bedroom closet,” Josh called out to him from behind. He was carrying one of Ken’s duffel bags and a small backpack which contained Ken’s toiletries. “You can start putting your clothes there while I take these to the bathroom…”

Ken could only smile. He had an interesting thought in his mind. This—the foyer, the living room, the bedroom, even Josh—was ‘home’ now.

“Okay,” he said.

“What are you smiling at?”

“Nothing…”

Josh rolled his eyes, putting the duffel bag on top of the huge suitcase Ken was already carrying. “Come on, these _millions_ of clothes won’t arrange themselves.”

They both made their way up the narrow staircase in silence. Josh went through the adjacent door to the bathroom while Ken entered the master’s bedroom. He immediately walked up to the closet, which was only a few steps from the door, directly facing the queen-sized bed.

Josh’s closet was large and spacious, but hardly full. He didn’t have many clothes to begin with. It contained only bare necessities: mostly button-up and dress shirts, casual long sleeves and denims, pants. Ken had no trouble putting his many shirts and tops in a neat pile on one side. Then, he took out his pants from his other bags and his suitcase before folding and stacking them in another compartment of the closet.

When he had finished, he admired his work. The left side, which was sparse and devoid of flourish was Josh’s; and, the right side which was filled to the top with a colorful variety of clothes was his. Ken couldn’t wait until he fills Josh’s side with some good clothes and gets him into fashion. There were a few outfits in his stash Josh would look dapper in. The thought excited him.

With his bags now empty, Ken rolled and stuffed them inside his suitcase before zipping them up. He won’t need to pack his stuff anytime soon. Then he looked around the room for where to store them, but he couldn’t find anywhere appropriate.

“Uhm… _Josh_?”

“Yup?” he answered amid the gentle clanking of the bottles in the bathroom.

“Where should I put the bags?”

“Uh…” Josh thought for a moment before answering. “Under the bed, if it fits,” he said.

“Got it…!”

Pulling the suitcase after him, Ken kneeled on the bedside and looked underneath to check the space. Josh had stuffed some of his smaller luggage and bags there, but it was too narrow for Ken’s hefty bag. Ken was about to tell Josh about it when his eyes caught a rectangular item lying in the corner, away from the various objects stored under the bed.

Curious, Ken reached in and dragged it out.

The item was a small, nondescript box that was no bigger than a shoebox. There was a thin layer of dust covering its surface which Ken promptly brushed off. As he did, the contents of the box rattled, making a few muted taps against the carton. He shook it again closer to his ear, trying to guess what was inside.

There was no label on the box, and no handwriting either. Ken wondered what Josh would keep in such a peculiar place. He remembered that all his mementos with sentimental value were either stored on top of his personal book collection in the bedroom or displayed on the bookshelf in the living room.

_Weird_ , Ken thought once he opened it. The box contained several folded pieces of paper that were arranged inside. Ken guessed there were more than thirty or so of them, pressed against each other in neat little rectangles.

He took one, looked behind him to see if Josh was coming, and examined the piece of paper in his hands. The material was thicker than average, with a pleasant cream color. It was like the special paper Josh writes on whenever he penned something important.

Ken opened it and as expected, Josh’s writing was scribbled neatly on the page. His eyes widened when he saw that it was dated some time a year ago and addressed to… _surfer boy_.

“What the…”

_Dear surfer boy,_ he began to read.

> _I hope you are doing well. ‘Hope’, because no matter how I wish to see you and hear your voice again, I cannot. Do I even have the right to see you? I guess the answer is ‘no’._
> 
> _But that does not mean I do not yearn for you. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I can attest; because without you, my emotions have only become stronger, like a roaring fire, burning what was left of my heart, and threatening to break me into a million pieces._
> 
> _There are days when I wish I could just pack my bags and throw myself at your feet. Alas, life is not that easy. I must live my life; so must you. Ours are two different worlds, too difficult to make meet. In the future, if destiny permits, maybe they shall. But not now. Not yet._
> 
> _Until then, I hope you remain well._
> 
> _I hope you remember me._
> 
> _Yours sincerely,_

Heat rose to Ken’s cheeks and the back of his neck. He had doubts whether it was really Josh who wrote it, but the bottom of the page was signed: _The writer, JCS_.

Ken stared dumbly at the contents of the box, at the rows of special cream paper folded in rectangles. Picking up another one, he carefully unfolded it and started reading again.

> _Dear surfer boy_ ,
> 
> _I have never really celebrated my life before. Will you be proud of me if I said I am now? I have been self-harm free for 278 days and counting! The longest I had gone before was a hundred and three, and that was a while ago._
> 
> _I keep thinking about how much of my will to live is because of you. Whenever I hear the whispers telling me to nick the surface of my skin, there is a louder voice that gives me the courage to say ‘no’. That is the voice I choose to listen to; that voice is yours. You taught me bravery with your smile that brightens up the world, like my own personal sun._
> 
> _My sun, my surfer boy, my muse. Wherever you may be, I hope you are celebrating your life, too. Live! Live as you have taught me to do. Perhaps one day, should our paths cross again, I would have gone without a single new scar and I would make you proud._
> 
> _It is a good life. Thank you for helping me see that._
> 
> _Yours. Truly._
> 
> _The writer, JCS_

There was another one that was strangely crumpled and blotted in several places, as if large drops of water had blotched the ink and wet the paper. This one wasn’t addressed to anyone, but he could guess it was still for him.

> _Fuck you! I feel miserable and it is entirely because of you! Pain, yearning, anger, angst—I have come under attack, unprepared._
> 
> _I want to see you. I want to kiss you. I want to feel you against my skin. I want to hold you in my arms until you and I are one and you can no longer leave._
> 
> _And then, I remember that I was the one who left. That was my crime, and this is my sentence. How cruel. How appropriate._
> 
> _But still, fuck you! Teach me how to let you go. Spare me from dreaming of you every single—_

Ken swallowed, unsure how he should feel. He opened the letters, one after another. They were all different… but they were all addressed to him.

> _Dear surfer boy,_
> 
> _I dreamed of you again. You were crying and I wanted nothing more than to wipe your tears—_

> _Dear surfer boy,_
> 
> _Why does the sunset from my window look so different from the ones I watched with you? Is it not the same sun that we—_

> _Dear surfer boy,_
> 
> _I miss you. I still miss you. Everyday. After eight months, one would believe I no longer think about you. But I do—_

> _Dear surfer boy—_

“Ken? What’s gotten you so quiet?”

Josh walked in on him sitting on the floor beside the bed with his back to the wall. Ken had one letter in each hand and was desperately trying to memorize every line that was penned there in Josh’s neat handwriting.

“What are— _hey_!” he exclaimed. He saw the box and the opened letters scattered on the floor. Scrambling to his knees, Josh made a dive to try and grab the box that was on Ken’s lap.

With one swift movement, Ken put the box far from Josh’s reach before pulling him into a tight embrace.

“ _Ow_ , you are crushing me…!” Josh complained.

“Did you write all of these last year?” he asked.

Josh exhaled. He nodded.

“You didn’t tell me about these…”

“I forgot about them.”

“You’re lying…”

“Well, I _did_!” Josh insisted, pulling away. He adjusted himself as he knelt in front of Ken. “I got busy with my book and other things…!”

“Is this all of it?” Ken asked him.

“Yeah… or… I think the ones that I finished.”

Ken tried to fight back a smile. “Read them to me?”

“Oh, God. That’s going to be so embarrassing…!” he groaned but reached out towards the box anyway and randomly pulled out one letter.

Josh hastily opened it and, blushing, read its contents out loud.

“‘Dear surfer boy. _Need_. How can I begin to tell you just how much I need to feel your hands on my body’— _What the fuck_?”

“ _What_?” Ken exclaimed, leaning over to look at the letter.

Josh stood up and held it tightly to his chest. His face, ears, and neck turned into a beautiful crimson shade. “ _I don’t remember writing this_!”

“Let me see!”

“No!”

“Those are _my_ letters!”

“ _I_ wrote them!”

“You wrote them for _me_!” Ken said loudly, pulling the best pleading face he could. He stared up at Josh, trying to imitate the way his writer’s eyes sparkled sometimes, and stuck his lower lip out. “Please…? _Please_ , Josh?”

Josh heaved an irritated sigh when Ken cocked his head to the side, still pouting. Ken had to wonder if the acting lessons they were giving him during training were working because he watched Josh’s resolve crumble. His face donned a light blush.

“ _Fine_!” Josh exhaled. He held out the letter to Ken. “But _you_ read it. God knows it’s embarrassing enough that I even wrote stuff like that.”

Ken nodded. Then, he took the letter from Josh’s hand, pulling him down as he did. Josh landed on Ken’s lap somewhat awkwardly and was immediately trapped in that position by two arms that caged around him.

Josh sighed, defeated. He just laid the back of his head against Ken’s shoulder and settled in between his lover’s legs.

Ken held out the paper in front of them, staring at a long-ish letter that was still addressed to ‘ _surfer boy_ ’. He had a smug smile on his face as he started to read… and it later turned into a silent gasp as he taken by surprise with the explicit narrations of Josh’s fantasies.

“I remember the way you hesitated to intrude my entran—”

“ _Quit reading aloud_!” Josh hissed, pulling his own knees to his chest to hide his face in them. “ _Geez_!”

“S-Sorry…” Ken said. He continued to read in his head, heart hammering in his chest.

> _…your lips that were careful as they ghosted over my skin. The warm breath that seems to ignite a fire coursing through my veins…_
> 
> _…Yet you ravage me, break me, and you put be back together again. Yes…_
> 
> _…Your calloused hands are gentle. Always gentle. They send shivers down my spine. I want them around my…_
> 
> _…with the intensity of how you feel inside me. All I know is I am drunkenly gasping your name…_
> 
> _…My own hands can only do so much. I am going crazy with need. I need you. I want you…_
> 
> _…You are fire that licks up my skin… We both burn, yet I am not destroyed…_
> 
> _…I need you on my tongue. That briny taste that matches the way you always smelled like the sea…_
> 
> _…I must beg you. Please, stop haunting my dreams if you are not there when I wake…_

“How… many letters like these have you written?” Ken choked out innocently, entire body hot.

“A… few… I _think_.”

“And how do you deal with…? _By yourself_?”

Josh sat upright and elbowed him on his rib. Ken didn’t even flinch, and he hugged Josh tightly from behind, his body almost enveloping Josh’s smaller frame.

“Uh…” Josh started nervously. “Yeah… _duh_ …”

That was news to Ken. So, when they were apart for more than a year, his writer endured the year of loneliness by himself? And Josh would write him letters that spoke of how he went by without him? Letters that spoke of his longing, his need, his desires.

Ken pulled Josh even closer. They stayed that way for longer than Josh thought was necessary.

“… We still have to unpack, you know?”

“Sorry… A few more minutes.”

Josh forcibly removed himself from Ken’s cage and stood up. “Alright, mister. House rule number one… Chores first. _Got it_?”

“So, _after_ chores…” Ken trailed off. Josh rolled his eyes. “Will you read them to me, then? After? Is that okay?”

“ _All_ of them?”

“Uhm… maybe just a few for today,” Ken responded, smiling. Then, almost immediately, he exclaimed, “Ah! Wait!”

Ken carefully removed himself from behind Josh. He rummaged through his everyday backpack for his wallet then pulled out a crumpled and folded piece of paper. As he held it out to Josh, the letters _K-E-N_ on the flap were prominent despite the wear and tear of the page.

“Can you read this to me first? We haven’t gotten around to reading this yet, remember?”

Josh recognized the letter in Ken’s hand. He walked closer and looked at it, wide-eyed.

“Hey, that’s right…!” Josh said, smiling at a memory. “After chores, then…”

Ken beamed at him before folding back his prized possession and putting it inside his back pocket. Then, he pecked Josh on the lips and with a sly smile said, “After chores, it is…”


	12. bonus chapter two: dear writer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ever wondered what josh meant when he said, ‘nobody has been this gentle with me before’ and why he hasn’t said ‘i love you’ yet?
> 
> chapter contains: slight angst; because he’s a writer, heavy narrations before dialogues; an m/e scene; fluff; and the other writer
> 
> edited July 10, 2020

**bonus chapter: dear writer**

Josh was in high school when he started sleeping around. It wasn’t a big deal to him at that time. He was young, his hormones were raging, and he needed an outlet that resulted in much less blood than cutting his own wrists. As long has he remained safe and clean, Josh didn’t mind.

His promiscuity continued well into his college years. By then, he had come to think of sex as just a way to relieve himself. His partners were almost always on the same page with him, and often they only see Josh as a beautiful pastime they could fuck around with. They would be rough and aggressive, and Josh honestly couldn’t care about the pain as long as they pleasured him in return. When they were done, they would leave, and it would start again in a never-ending cycle.

So, yes. Josh was used to being an object, perhaps not always of affection but of desire and gratification, and he was fine with that. He was fine being used and then being left behind because, really, it was how he preferred it. It was convenient, it was often pleasurable, and it was a distraction.

That was how it had been for him for most of his youth until the day he realized there were better things to do than fooling around and being someone’s bedmate.

Still, he would have the occasional flings who would be less than careful. And still, Josh was okay with that. He was used to it.

But…

_But_.

Now, there was a man holding him who couldn’t be more different that those before. Ken’s eyes were staring deep into his, looking for the slightest sign of discomfort or pain. His forehead beaded with sweat, eyebrows scrunching at the middle, mouth slightly agape as he panted heavily. Josh was underneath him, body pressed flush against his lover. He had one hand tightly gripping the sheets while his other arm was over his mouth, teeth biting at the flesh.

Ken suddenly stopped moving to pull Josh’s arm away from his mouth gently, making the latter groan at the loss of friction.

“Don’t bite…” he whispered. “You’ll hurt yourself.”

Ken had been nothing but kind and tender. While there was a side to him that was a little aggressive, it was never to harm or to satisfy himself. He always put Josh first. Josh, on the other hand, could never get used to the butterflies in his stomach whenever he was treated that way. He liked it, but he always felt unsure of how he should respond. He never knew what to say or do. His lover’s gentleness made Josh feel more sheepish than the fact that he was currently naked and covered in various fluids, only a few seconds ago begging for the obscenest things.

“I’m fine…” Josh said, clicking his tongue. “It doesn’t hurt…”

Ken trained his eyes over the deep red teeth marks that were on Josh’s pale skin. “We both know you bite hard…”

“Well, I guess…” Josh slung both his arms around Ken’s neck and pulled his face closer. “So, why don’t you keep my mouth busy, hm?”

Ken gave a slow and torturous thrust as he kissed Josh, earning him a raspy moan.

“Then, tell me how you want it,” he whispered in a low voice that sent shivers down Josh’s spine.

Josh blushed, and he hid his face at the nook of Ken’s neck. “You know how.”

Ken chuckled, the vibrations on his chest tickling his lover’s skin.

“Look at me?”

Slowly, Josh tilted his head so that the tips of their noses touched. Their warm breaths mixed in the gap between their lips. Ken held his gaze through lust-filled eyes, looking for… something.

He smiled.

“What?” asked Josh.

“Love you…”

Josh said nothing. Instead, he locked his lips with Ken who still smiled into their kiss, holding him down by the shoulders and promptly picking up where he left off.

If only he were as vocal as Ken about his affections, perhaps then, Josh would be able to tell him how much he appreciated everything. Not just the way he held him, but how he was such a godsent to Josh’s life.

But something held Josh back. Was it fear? Insecurity? Doubt? He didn’t know— _distracting_ —he couldn’t think yet. Because Ken was getting bolder, more intense with the way he moved that Josh’s brain was starting to get clouded, the sensations sending him into a strange and pleasurable kind of delirium.

This kind of aggression from his lover Josh did not, in any way, mind.

* * *

“I’m home…!” Josh called out. There was no answer. That was strange because, in the weeks since they started living together, Ken always answered if he were home.

It was already one in the morning. Josh had just come back from meeting several writer colleagues. Ken had texted him earlier that he had just arrived at their home from a shoot in Pangasinan. Knowing he would be tired, Josh told him not to wait up anymore.

The silence in their otherwise warm abode made Josh feel a little bit cold.

_He’s probably sleeping_ , thought Josh. He could imagine his lover snoring in the bedroom and hugging Josh’s pillow like he usually did whenever their sleeping times didn’t match.

Eager to see him, Josh stealthily made his way past the living room and up the second floor. His footfalls were careful as he walked on the wooden staircase.

He was already halfway up the steps when he casually glanced over to the living room. He stopped in his ascent, surprised, when he caught sight of two legs that were unmoving on the couch.

Unless they had another housemate that Josh didn’t know about, that was likely his lover. Josh squinted his eyes. Ken didn’t usually wait up for him there. Wondering what was going on, Josh quietly made his way back down the living room where his lover was curled up on the couch.

Ken was sleeping there in his home clothes, the usual hoodie and sweatpants, unaware of the adoring expression Josh looked at him with. He resembled a house cat or a puppy as he lay on his side, his knees almost touching his elbows.

Josh kneeled in front of the couch and brushed the back of his fingers on Ken’s forehead.

“Ken, hey…” Josh whispered. But Ken was in a deep sleep, and Josh let him be. He had never told him this, but Josh liked to look at Ken's innocent sleeping face whenever he had the chance.

Ken was holding a book loosely in one hand. It was a copy of ‘ _A Boy Lost at Sea_ ’ that he insisted on buying when they went shopping together once. Josh never saw him read it, and he always wondered why Ken wanted it in the first place.

As he continued to stare, Josh saw the small dots of ink on Ken’s palms and fingers. There was also some ink that got on his face. A pen and a small pile of crumpled pieces of paper were hidden behind his head at the corner of the couch. When Josh trailed his gaze down, he saw a neatly folded page tucked under Ken’s free hand.

Ken never wrote anything before, at least not that Josh knew of, and so it was surprising that he had with him paper and a pen. It was this thought that made him reach for the paper and nimbly slip it out from under Ken’s palm.

When Josh unfolded the page, the words ‘ _Dear writer_ ’ at the top immediately caught his attention. A stunned smile made its way across his face.

Josh glanced at Ken, who was still sleeping unknowingly, and then back again at the strangely charming scratchy handwriting. He had to squint because he could hardly see in the dim light, but the letter read:

> _Dear writer :)_

His smile went as wide as the drawing on the page.

> _Hello! Feels strange to write a letter to you. I know I can just say whatever to you straight but now that I’m writing this I can see why you like it so much. You can just write and write whatever goes on in your head. Coz I got a lot I wanna say and I don’t always know how to say it. So I thought why not tell you by writing something? (I had to read some of your books and practice a lot. I know you can be very strict when it comes to rules and stuff. Imagine me rolling my eyes here.)_
> 
> _But anyway—_

Josh had to re-read the first paragraph twice. The lack of punctuation marks in many parts of his sentences was both annoying and lovely. And that smiley… that was cute.

> _—anyway I’m not good at writing so sorry. I guess I just wanted to give you back something for the 52 letters you wrote for me. That was a lot of letters! Sorry if I had you read them all… It went on for days right? I just really really like all of them… Sorry if you cried reading some of them. But from now on the only tears you cry will be tears of joy. Haha! :D_
> 
> _I wish you’d smile more. I like it when you do that thing where your teeth are out and your dimples show up. That’s the best smile for me and I can just watch you all day everyday smiling like that. It makes me happy. Did you know?_

The flight of his ideas was confusing Josh, but at the same time it made him feel warm inside.

> _You know you’re my first right? I had crushes and stuff before but never lovers. I like to think that it’s because I was secretly waiting for you without knowing it. Yieee!! I know I’m not YOUR first but you are the first for me. And that makes it more special because I know I have never or I don’t think I could ever be this way with another person. Well I don’t wanna be this way with anyone that’s not you. That’s why I hope we get to stay together for a long time because there’s a lot I wanna do together ;)_
> 
> _I know you’ll get shy if I say this out loud so might as well write it down and have you read it. Ah but I hope you read this when I’m not around because I’ll be the one who gets embarassed. Don’t be mad if I got some things wrong Mr. Writer!!! But the point is that I love you! Hehe. I probably say it too much already but I love you._
> 
> _Here from now on until… forever??? LOL_
> 
> _Yours only (I got this from you hmmm…),_
> 
> _Surfer Boy Ken :)_

Josh was pleasantly stunned. Despite the obvious mistakes, there was something endearing about how utterly shameless the letter was—even more so than the person who wrote it. It was cute, it was adorable, it was… so _Ken_.

The warmth in Josh’s chest rose to his cheeks. He didn’t realize that he had been biting his thumbnail, smiling, as he read.

There was a swift blur, and suddenly, the page disappeared from his hand like magic. Josh blinked and looked up. Ken had already woken and was sitting up on the couch, pocketing the letter inside his hood.

“ _Hey_! You’re not supposed to read it yet!” he yelled. He was blushing, and that rosy tinge on his tanned cheeks was beautiful.

For a moment, Josh’s mind couldn’t calm down so he just pressed his face against Ken’s knee. His cheeks were starting to hurt from how wide his smile had gotten.

‘ _A long time_ ’, he said in the letter. Ken wrote it so plainly, it made Josh realize he had never really thought that far ahead about them. A few months, sure. But... did he dare think ahead in years? Not at all. Because Josh had gotten so used to leaving and being left that having someone stay for long felt alien.

A part of him—and Josh had confronted this meek voice in his head many times—was still scared that Ken would leave unannounced, as so many others have. Josh thought that must be why he had unconsciously held himself back from fully committing. Somehow, in order to prepare for what he thought would happen, he already had one foot out the door.

Yet, there it was. An affirmation he didn’t think he needed. _A long time_ … _forever_ … Cheesy and honest and so unapologetically what made surfer boy _his_ surfer boy.

“You okay?” Ken asked when he stopped moving for some time. He had one hand on top of Josh’s head, fingers making small circles on his scalp.

_Yes, I’m okay. I’m more than okay_ , Josh wanted to say. But instead he just pressed his forehead closer to Ken's leg and said aloud, “Ken… I love you.”

There.

He said it. And there was no taking it back.

It wasn’t as awkward as Josh thought it would be, although it was embarrassing and made him bury his face into the muscles of Ken’s thigh. But he didn’t regret saying it, and he thought maybe he could get used to saying it as bravely as his lover does on a regular basis.

“Say that again?” Ken said, a hint of a smile in his voice.

Josh looked up at him and pressed his smile into a thin line. “Don’t push it.”

“Aw, _come on_!”

Josh laughed. “Alright, alright, you whiny baby, you.” Then he said, “I love you…”

“I love you, too…” Ken grinned at him, the blush on his cheeks more prominent. “Was the letter okay?”

“A six out of ten,” Josh teased. He reached up to pat him on the head. “But, yes. It was an ‘okay’ letter.”

Ken pouted. “Well, I’m sorry, Mister I’m-Going-To-Be-A-Parttime-Teacher-Now. Don’t I get plus points for the effort?”

“Haha, no. The final output will be the basis of your score,” Josh cackled. He held out his hand. “Now give me my letter. I want to read it again.”

Ken took out the now-crumpled page and handed it to Josh. A stupidly goofy wonky-toothed smile was etched on his face. Josh wouldn’t tell him then—maybe in the future—but that was his favorite smile on him.

Ken lay on his side on the couch and watched Josh stare dumbly at the piece of paper in his hands. They were quiet, not talking, not even looking at each other. They stayed like that in companionate silence.

And Josh thought, _it’s not so bad_.

Committing, being committed to. Loving, and being beloved in return. It didn’t feel as bad as he feared it would. The uncertainty of the future still made it a little scary. But, like always, Ken was there to make him feel a lot braver.

So he’ll work on it, he decided. He’ll make it. They both will. And when Josh said, ‘I love you’ to Ken again, and Ken replied, ‘I love you, too,’ it was all the assurance that he needed.

**//END//**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dear reader,
> 
> thank you for getting this far. if you have been one of those who have read about surfer boy and his writer since scars and the sea, i thank you sincerely from the bottom of my nonexistent heart. thank you for loving the boys as much as i have; they’ve grown on me quite a lot and i am forever happy to be able to share them with you.
> 
> thank you for going on this journey with the writer, surfer boy and i. please wish them well and, if time permits, i may write about them again… someday. but for now, the writer and surfer boy will be signing off.
> 
> see you on whichever story we share soon…? 😗
> 
> respectfully,  
> the other writer, r


End file.
